Friday, June 20

It's my choice to have a skinny baby!

If our secretary doesn't watch her mouth it's gonna get slapped! Today she called me out in front of two other people about my smoking. I knew it was a mistake to tell my damn co-workers that I'm pregnant again. I took a break for a smoke at 8:45. I swear, as soon as I walked in from my break that bitch was running her mouth.

She was going on and on about how I was smoking when I pulled my car into the lot this morning, and how I had another one at the smoker's tent before going inside to punch in for my shift at 8. Well I'm sorry, but with the mental stress and morning sickness, I need a goddamn cigarette! What I don't need is some judgemental bitch running her mouth at me about it!

Then the others started getting on me about it, like that ho Shirl, who thought she would add that smoking causes low birth weight. Well you know what, bitch? I already knew that! How do you think I've kept my figure after having 3 kids? I have skinny babies, that's how!

I didn't tell them this, but I drink during pregnancy too! You should come by our community pool sometime. Thanks to their webbed toes, my kids can swim like a motherfucka!

You know, the only downside to smoking during pregnancy is that the babies are all angry with nic fits after they're born. I wish to god they'd make a nicotine patch for infants!

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE!!! YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T JUST LOWER BIRTH WEIGHT IT CUTS OF OXYGEN TO THEIR BRAIN TOO. IS IT YOUR CHOICE TO HAVE STUPID BABIES TOO. I AM A SMOKER, AND I'M SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW TO QUIT WHEN I HAD MY KIDS. I PERSONALLY DON'T CARE YOU SMOKE WHEN BEING PREGNANT, BUT AT LEAST SHOW SOME COMPASSION FOR THAT INNOCENT CHILD GROWING INSIDE YOU, DEPENDING ON YOU TO BE HEALTHY. THAT CHILD WOULDN'T CHOOSE TO SMOKE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY HAS NO CHOICE.

Anonymous said...

dumb bitch.

Seriously, die in a fire.

Anonymous said...

are you talking about the author or the commenter?

if you are talking about the commenter, right on man, you tell her like it is.

Anonymous said...

Stupid redneck. You can't smoke when you're pregnant. Any moron knows that. You can't drink either. You must have shit for brains!!

Reverend Frag said...

Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry folk. Natural selection will deal with this.

Anonymous said...

Go Darwin!

Anonymous said...

I work for the U.S. Health Department's program for tobacco prevention and cessation. In addition to low birth rate, smoking during pregnancy also increases the rate of pre-term delivery and many birth defects, including cleft palate, cerebral palsy,chronic respiratory problems and mental retardation. Babies born to mothers who smoke also have twice the risk of dying from sudden infant death syndrome.

Smoking while pregnant is incredibly irresponsible. If you are willing to quit, please contact the national quitline at 1-800-QUIT-NOW. Or go to http://1800quitnow.cancer.gov/

Anonymous said...

This is some seriously short-sighted shit. You think you're stressed now? Imagine how stressed you're going to be when you're carrying around a mentally fucked up baby whose ADHD is driving you bonkers. Don't believe me? How about scientific evidence instead of word of mouth?

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070523103740.htm

http://health.dailynewscentral.com/content/view/0001402/62/

Look, I don't know you. None of these people do. The ignorant thing at this point would be to get upset and assume the world is out to get you. The correct thing to do is realize that you were mistaken, it isn't just a matter of birth weight... everybody makes mistakes and poor decisions from limited knowledge. Don't feel embarassed. Correct yourself, educate yourself, humble yourself, and now practice some willpower.

Anonymous said...

Ah, It all makes sense now. This is the mentality of your average American mother, no wonder you entire country is about to crumble to ashes.

The terrorists don't have to even attack you when you destroy yourselves for them. Keep smoking, bitches. More retarded American babies eventually mean less soldiers later, and that is a very good thing. Let me buy you some smokes, proud American mother.

Anonymous said...

no wonder you husband left you. You're ugly AND stupid. I only hope your kids manage to live long enough to leave as well.

Anonymous said...

This is why it should be perfectly legal to forcefully sterilize certain women.

Ra said...

My last girlfriend had the same problem. Just cut the nicotine patches in half. We tried the gum first but it kept swallowing it.

Ra said...

Don't put down a kid with ADHD. Both my current girlfriend's kids got it and that medicine is killer. It's meth amphetimine! I replace it with tic tacs and the stupid kids don't even know.

Black Arthur said...

Oh my christ, for REAL.

I totes hate it when people are all up in my business, too!

If they don't want to slap the piss out of their dogs when they take too long to go outies, that's fine, but DON'T JUDGE ME WHEN I ROLL UP A NEWSPAPER.

Anonymous said...

DUMB FUCKING IDIOT!!!

JPeaslee said...

"Thanks to their webbed toes, my kids can swim like a motherfucka!" BEST LINE EVER!

Annacakes79 said...

Comic GENIUS!!! I am going to read your whole blog. It is too good. I agree with the guy above me, about the best line ever!

Anonymous said...

With all that drinking and smoking, your kids probably will grow up to be motherfuckers. :)

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, if you get pregnant again, and these bitches start not minding their business again, I think you should be kind and take time to educate those morons that actually smoking during pregnancy can be good!
It prevents development of pre-eclampsia, which can kill both mother AND fetus. Give them a benefit of the doubt - maybe they are just stupid - but if they continue yapping after you educated them, I would say it would mean they clearly want you and your baby to DIE! And that deserves a swift and cruel punishment

John Sanders, Internatiol Art Thief said...

Really? I'm starting to think your mom smoke and drank when she was pregnant.

Anonymous said...

I think I love you.

Nick said...

This is one of the funniest sites on the inner tubes, hands down.