Sunday, July 27

Stanks on a plane!

We just got back from our vacation in sunny Florida. We had a great time! I decided we should spend this Summer's vacation in one of our favorite destinations: Jacksonville! I like to choose places that are a lot like Richmond so we don't get too homesick. It's also a real cheap flight to Jacksonville out of Norfolk. I got my new boyfriend, the rugged Mr. Phil Plumbs(of Plumbs's Contracting Services), to drive us to the Norfolk airport for our 6:30 a.m. flight.

I let the kids sleep most of the way to Norfolk so they'd be well rested for the flight. What a mistake that was! Next thing I know they're running amok through security while I'm trying to take out my various piercings and such. My black leather boots lace up to my knees, and of course the jerks made me take those off too.

By the time we got through security the attendants at the gate were actually calling out our name over the loudspeaker. We made it through the gate just before they shut the doors. The plane was massive, and pretty much full up. We shoved our way past the fat-asses in first class, and hustled on towards our seats in row 29.

Everyone on the plane was giving us dirty looks, but I ignored them because I know I can get in a lot of trouble if I raise my voice on an airplane. It's bad enough that it's 90 degrees in this friggin' tube. But I've also got to remain aware that my pregnancy is making me irritable even when I don't know it.

We got to our seats and realized that there wasn't any space left in the overhead compartment. We all had good sized carry-ons, so the flight attendant grabbed our bags from us and carried them off the plane to be checked into the cargo area. I got my three kids buckled into the seats on the left side of the row, and I took the remaining aisle seat on the right hand side.

Twenty minutes later the plane is in the air, and I was heading back towards the bathroom. Being pregnant makes me thirsty all the time, and due to all the Gatorade I'm drinking I end up pissing like a racehorse dozens of times a day. Also, I'm constipated all the damn time. Even the Activia I've been eating can't see to break through. I'm so used to it by now that I just wait and wait for it to happen. I actually nodded off on the toilet!

Approximately 25 minutes later I was awoken by some banging on the bathroom door. I replied that I was okay. I noticed that I had managed to shit while sleeping, which was nice. So I wiped, flushed, and left. There was a nice-sized line to the other bathroom door, which apparently wasn't enough to keep up with the passenger load. More scowls, but once again, I kept my patience in check.

As I came back up the aisle I could tell that somebodies kids were being really loud. Of course, they were mine. I told them sternly to calm down and play more quietly. Both of my youngest were slamming their tray tables up and down, banging on them, and kicking the seats. They started doing it more quietly, and in all honesty I was just happy that they were entertaining themselves.

I flipped through the SkyMall, letting the next forty minutes of the flight go by without a care. The kids were still being a little crazy, but they're kids, and this flight would be over shortly. A voice from a row or two in front the children said, "why doesn't she do something about those kids?", loud enough for me to hear. As a good mom, I was prepared. As you probably know, kids need snacks and things to keep them happy.

I handed each of them a can of tasty potted meat. You should see how well behaved they are when they're cracking the lid off of one of those babies, and digging their index fingers in to scoop out a big mouthful. For those not in the know, this is the snack treat I'm talking about:



I guess not everyone was happy about the smell of room temperature potted meat, because folks started looking around. One old broad was even holding her nose! I looked over to the kids and noticed that my three year old had started smearing potted meat all over the seat and on the window.

My middle one, 7 year old Brandon, thought this was funny, and wanted to get in on it, so he started flicking his off of his finger into the air. Some of it went into a lady's hair, but she didn't even notice. I yanked all the cans away, wiped their hands off with an airplane blanket, and gave them both a look to show them that mommy meant business! Per the captain, we were beginning our descent towards Jacksonville.

They kids were good and quiet for those last ten minutes or so, even during the relatively rough landing. Everyone on the plane was pretty restless as we taxied up to the gate. That was when Brandon vomited like a big dog all over his own legs and shoes. You know how that last five minutes waiting to get off a plane feels more like twenty? Well when someone throws up just before your plane arrives to the gate it makes things a whole helluva lot worse.

To be honest, I had had it. He's lucky I didn't smack him. The attendant realized that he had gotten sick, and just rushed us four past all the half-standing aisle seaters, right off the plane and into the gate corridor. I hurriedly cleaned him off with a bunch of cocktail napkins they gave me on our way out of the plane.

Now I don't know if it was the flight, my nauseousness from pregnancy, the hot air in the corridor, or just the smell of potted meat vomit on my son, but I threw up right then and there myself. I quickly wiped off my mouth and we tried to blend into the crowd heading towards the baggage check.

That nightmare being over, we took a cab from the airport to our usual hotel, the Scottish Inn , on Phillips Highway in Jacksonville. Check it out sometime if you're in Florida.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh yummy!!!! warm potted meat!!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I wasn't on this flight. Nice "parenting" there.

Anonymous said...

honestly, if you dont expect to take off knee-high leather boots before the security check, you must be crazy. as far as i know, there arent any pregnant-lady-with-kids free passes...

i do applaud the potted meat strategy tho. i wouldve loved to have been an unaffected observer on this flight

The G said...

I am so glad I wasnt on this flight; I would have gone ballistic on your worthless parenting and absolute disregard for everyone else in the world. You get an F.

Anonymous said...

Did you think people would think your story was cute and funny?

Anonymous said...

Thank God I'm one of those "fat asses" in First--far enough away from this group not to care one bit.

Anonymous said...

I cannot even believe this story its so full off crazyness.

Lantern Bearer said...

Oh yeah! Cute and funny. I bet that potted meat gottem right just about the time you was descending over St. Marys.

And ninety degrees in that tube. I am just sittin' here sweatin' over them piercings and lace up boots. I bet they is lined up to mow your yard.

Jason said...

LOL you are some kinda jackass! I'm hoping this story is meant to be funny and outrageous... maybe I'll read some of you other posts to compare. OH NO, IT WORKED ON ME!

Anonymous said...

OMG, i ROFLed on the shit while sleeping part. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

you suck as a parent and at life. I would of kicked you in the uterus if I was on that plane with you!

Anonymous said...

You suck as a parent. You should controll your kids on a flight, so other people don have to suffer. I bet you thought they were being cute. How would you feel if you were trying to sleep, and soneone elses kids were doing that? I bet yuou'd want to hit them. Its people like you who are raising kids to make the world a worse place. You should be ashamed.

J and A said...

I am a former flight attendant and I'd like to give you an A+ for bringing a snack for your kids. So many people board and expect there to be a full service restaurant on board. And I wonder if you are a former FA yourself or if someone gave you the heads up about the primo sleeping quarters in the lav.

Anonymous said...

Your the one screwing with other people's flights, and YOU are the one who needs to control herself! Geez you are a real piece of work you know that. I would have scowled the shit out of you, and called your kids retards.

unsafebet said...

WOW! I bet your little babies had a wonderful time in Jacksonville! I really applaud your parenting. I know it's so hard to travel pregnant with 3 kids like that. Keep up the good work!! And as for that hotel- It's one of my favs! I really like the continental breakfast they have there. They use the same frozen OJ I get from Food Lion! It's really just like bein at home.

Anonymous said...

You should really consider an abortion and getting yourself fixed. Your awful parenting is beyond understanding. Your "the-world-owes-me-everything" attitude comprises much of what is wrong with America today. Get over yourself and learn how to be a Mom to your kids. Go back to your trailer park.

Anonymous said...

Somehow I feel that not everybody gets you. And what is this 'Parenting' thing they keep talking about? Is that something new?

Anonymous said...

Next up:

the 350 week abortion, is it right for you?

VioletYoshi79 said...

Potted meat, WTF? Oh, and smacking your child from getting sick from the stench of potted meat? (sounds like something from Invader Zim) Perhaps someone needs to smack you.

Good parents don't threaten children with violence.

nepeta said...

I hope I never share an airplane with you and your disgusting kids. I'm not posting as anonymous, I think airplanes should have a separated place for people that bring kids, no matter of they're rich or poor. Kids are a source of noise and filth specially if the parents do nothing to control them. I still think the best control is the birth control.

Dietrich said...

god help me if i ever cross paths with these pigs i WILL set them all on fire!!

SB said...

I simply can't believe your terrible parenting.

Do the world a favor: get an abortion, tie your tubes (or even better, have your uters removed)and send your remaining kids to state care.

Last of all, check yourself into a mental institution - your demonstrates is all that is wrong America.

Anonymous said...

I have a few issues:

1. You have three kids, and are pregnant with your fourth. That is your choice, but I absolutely refuse to give one ounce of sympathy for anyone who plops out more than 2 kids. Yes, it is your right, but it also my right to ignore you for being stupid.

2. Maybe a pregnant woman should not be traveling with 3 children without someone else to help. Just a thought... If that isn't possible, maybe you should stay off the plane.

3. You fed gross canned meat to kids on an airplane? What is wrong with you? Do you have some kind of mental handicap?

Anonymous said...

Wow. You almost encompass everything I dislike about human beings.

Anonymous said...

People like you should be sterilized so the rest of us do not have to deal with your brain-dead self centered attitude and horribly raised children

Anonymous said...

Madam, you are the exact type of person that makes the rest of us hate flying.

You are self-centered, egotistical, and without caring or understanding for anybody else in the world.

You have the nerve to be upset with people for being upset with you for sleeping for half an hour in the bathroom while they needed to use it?

You refuse to try to keep control of your children and allow them to raise havoc any cause problems for everybody around them?

You believe that the proper response to your child becoming sick is to hit him?

You are a disgusting person and should be ashamed of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Yes Jocelyn, You ARE the stank on the plane.

Laura (Sunny) Drexler said...

Wow. You are a brilliant writer!! I love it!! Of course, I've been drinking... but I can't wait to rifle through your blog for more.
:D