Wednesday, October 22

25 Unacceptable Halloween Treats!

As a parent, I take a large cut of my kids' Halloween candy. I have absolutely no use for all this non-candy bullcrap that some folks in my neighborhood have chosen to give out in lieu of actual treats. For all of our sakes I've prepared a list of the 25 worst items that have been offered to my kids on Halloween:

1.School supplies
2.Fat free snacks, like Goldfish crackers or pretzels
3.Homemade popcorn balls with bits of cat hair stuck on the side
4.Homemade caramel apples (which are actually kind of fun to throw)
5.Meat on a stick with little bones in it
6.Travel toothbrush and mini-toothpaste
7.Religious propaganda
8.Cheap ass 8-packs of generic Chinese crayons
9.Little paper bags full of dirty nickels & unwrapped gum
10.Individual used women's shoes that are like 30 yrs old
11.Midget granola bars with no chocolate or candy in them
12.Loose pastel Peanut M&Ms from four Easters ago
13.Cans of warm non-alcoholic beer
14.A couple of melted Sucrets from a leather jacket pocket
15.Miniature Hickory Farms meat and cheese logs
16.Worn out tennis balls that the dog has slobbered all over
17.Bouillon cubes
18.A runny slice of crappy pecan pie that you have to sit there and eat
19.Tiny shampoo samples from some hotel they stayed at
20.A fun-sized Milky Way with a big rusty needle sticking through it
21.Giant cans of soggy string beans from Costco
22.Crumbs from the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms
23.Handfuls of Sweet & Low packets from an elderly lady's purse
24.Rice cakes with globs of flavorless yogurt on them
25.Circus peanuts. Nobody wants to gnaw on that orange wad!

To avoid any doubt, go ahead and print this out and take it with you to the store. This is what they call "fair warning". If any of you scumbags try to drop some crap like this into my kids' trick or treat bags again, I promise you that I will personally assist them in carrying out a trick that ends with you being rushed to the hospital!

28 comments:

tresser said...

Circus Peanuts are the way and the light. It's no wonder your husband left, you toothless, coupon-hoarding cunt.

Anonymous said...

I was considering handing out dried cat turds from the litter box.

Anonymous said...

Cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup. They are great to give and to get! And a real side benefit is that your kids treat bag becomes a blunt instrument with the can at the bottom!

Kristie said...

Looks like cat turds will be fine to hand out, I didn't see them on the list.

Anonymous said...

Your blogs are awesome... keep it up! I need the smiles.

Justin Sane said...

I plan on handing out old moldy fruit.

Anonymous said...

Your neighbors are weird or maybe you are.

Anonymous said...

A can of creamed corn and a leaking water balloon.
The little pricks won't make it to the end of the block without the bag breaking.
Big Fun!!

Anonymous said...

penis shaped lollipops, anyone?

Anonymous said...

Ice cubes are great in a pinch. Put them in a bowl and hold it high enough so that little eyes can't see in. When the little bastards come to the door, drop a whole handful in - they'll be happy just to hear the multiple *thuds* hitting their bag.

Anonymous said...

Okay, instead let's give your kids loads and loads of sugary goods to even further obesity levels in America! What a great idea!

Anonymous said...

jocelyn, youre a moron. go ahead and fill your kids full of nasty chemy candy so they can be unhealthy idiots just like you!

Anonymous said...

so is the reason you are a toothless hesher because of the candy you steal from your kids halloween bag, or the meth?

Anonymous said...

you should be happy people are handing out fat free treats! i am always excited to see someone cares enough to hand out healthy treats compared to unhealthy ones. id rather my kids eat right

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! You people are retarded! The candy and sugar is what makes Halloween fun! That fat-free crap is DISGUSTING!!! I actually like this list. I wouldn't want half of that shit in my bag! Oh, and the people who are talking about the childhood obesity, FUCK YOU!!! You people are raising weight consious anerexic creeps that break when you LOOK at them funny! Thank you for posting this list Jocelyn! =]

Sylocat said...

Agree with most of those, but I think Goldfish crackers are actually pretty cool.

Of course, my grandmother sends me huge boxes full of backs of Cracker Jack, and I hand those little bags out every year. So what do I know?

Anonymous said...

Since when are you entitled to demand what, if anything, your begging brats are given?

Phil said...

Some of you people need to lighten the hell up.

Anonymous said...

For once, I agree with you. I haven't had the joy of receiving all 25 of the things you mentioned, but I shudder to think...

Anonymous said...

So funny. Except how are you entitled to any of the candy? Isn't that also taking the fun out of Halloween for your kids?

Jennifer C. said...

We brought them life and you're questioning if we should share their candy?

FoodieBear said...

I'm probably going to hand out single use, individually wrapped tampons and maxi-pads I lifted from the woman's bathroom at work. Also going to hand out condoms I took from the STD clinic.

Anonymous said...

I plan on giving out Florida Cockroaches in match boxes...

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn - I like your blog. People who are having the bad reaction to it are probably the same people who make me check the kids baskets every year before I let them eat any treats because I am afraid of the idiots putting dangerous or disgusting things into the bag. Also for all of you who are worried about childhood obesity- get over it, Halloween should be the one day of the year when kids should be allowed to eat as much junk food as they want. If your kid is suffering from obesity - dont blame Halloween, blame the diet you put them on.

Anonymous said...

how about keep yourself and your damn kids off my property and buy your own freakin candy?

Anonymous said...

What a freak...

~reads profile~

Open Relationship?!?

~pukes~

CDC72 said...

Wow, your neighborhood sucks. No trying to act like I'm 13 and trick or treat there if that's the crap they're handing out.

Here's to getting chocolate.

Anonymous said...

I like the list.I'll say 90% of all parents admit to lifting some of their kid's candy so it's the "norm".I think you should add condoms though.My hubby and I didn't use it but I will say they were glow in the dark.That shows thought behind it.LMAO I guess their idea of a safe Halloween treat isn't the same as mine,but then again I guess my kids could have used them as water balloons