Thursday, November 12

Ain't nobody happy!

We have a saying in my house: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!". You won't catch my kids acting the fool around me! I've got those bitches walking on eggshells in this house. Don't get me wrong though...I'm not one of those sadistic moms! I find it's best to take a more passive, creative approach to discipline!

Like when Brandon threw a tantrum a couple months ago because I forgot to send in the money for his class field trip. I told him, "Tough shit!", but he kept on whining. I told him to stop or he'd be sorry. He yelled, "I don't care! you're stupid!" and ran off to slam his bedroom door a few times before locking himself in. I let him stew in there all night.

The next day he was stuck sitting in the school library while the rest of his class when on their trip. Meanwhile I was at home, selling his bike to the overweight drop-out down the street who always bullies Brandon and his friends. Brandon will have to think about what he did every time that kid rides by on his old bike! That's re-enforcement!

Little Jailen is harder to get through to sometimes because she's only 3. Plus she's fairly well behaved, so it's hard to teach her lessons. That's why I use double-reverse psychology. I'll say something like, "Don't eat the candy I have in my underwear drawer!". She replies, "What candy?", and I'm like, "Don't worry about it!".

Later that day, when I catch her in the act, I yell for a minute, but then let her know that I forgive her for disobeying me and going in my room without permission. Of course the next morning she's asking me where all her Dora the Explorer shirts and other stuff have gone to. I know they're all stuffed in the trash, but I just say, "I dunno, maybe God is punishing you!".

My husband Phil isn't safe from my unhappy ass either! Last night I came home and found that he had forgotten to pick up some pre-mixed cocktails for me from the liquor store. I didn't say a word about it. I just took his Jagermeister bottle from the freezer and sipped off it all night while giving him the stink eye. He never even asked me what was wrong!

But I'm sure he remembered the next morning when he stepped his socks into that puddle of water I left around his work boots. And just to be sure we were clear I also dumped vinegar into his Bubba Jug of sweet tea. If he doesn't mention anything by tonight I'm going to wait until he falls asleep and wake him back up with a nice hard flick to the nuts.

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38 comments:

Annacakes79 said...

OH MY GOD!!! "If Momma ain't happy..." That is my favorite expression! I feel the same way about having my kids toe the line, I will not raise my kids to be some disrespectful, socialist brats with entitlement syndrome. But I am not as creative with discipline as you, I spank their asses! I totally need to try the puddle of water next to my husbands work boots. I don't dare flick him in the nuts though, he might like it!

Been checking twice a day for your new post! This made my day, and now I gotta drive like a maniac on the interstate while talking on my cell phone, eating a greasy cheeseburger and breast-feeding my 7 month old so I can make dead line and get home in time to get my kids off the bus, because I decided to check your blog first before i walked out the door. Don't worry though, I'll drive with my knee.

Meade Skelton said...

Hey, when anyone messes with the sweet tea- they mean business !

Anonymous said...

Why the hell did you do that to Little Jailen, that is just wrong

Aren't you afraid that your kids will figure it out one day and murder you?

jimmynopants said...

"Meanwhile I was at home, selling his bike to the overweight drop-out down the street who always bullies Brandon"
... What a bitch! Does anyone actually like you???

Anonymous said...

So...you forgot your son's field trip money, and you punish him for being upset. Your husband forgets your liquor,(much in the same way that you forgot the field trip money), and you punish your husband too. Your husband should've told you what you told tour son, "tough shit"!

Anonymous said...

wow ur a psycho bitch. and i'm so damn glad im not like you.. i feel so sorry for ur family..and for the other lady anna wow.. i hope ur not serious.. if i seen u driving like that id kick ur fucking ass...

Anonymous said...

Youre just a dirty bitch, hope someone pours gas in your butthole and sets it on fire

Anonymous said...

Best
Blog
EVER!
You are a genius!!!
You should put all of these articles into a book. It would be a best seller. Or you could simply write a book on parenting. Dr. Spock's book is out of date. Besides, I could never figure out why Mr. Spock should know anything about parenting anyway.
Jocelyn, YOU ROCK
KBUD

Anonymous said...

The commenters here remind me of the old ladies who see a soap actor out in public and give them what-for right there in the coffee shop. Y'all need to mind your own families if you can't appreciate the wisdom of a woman who is raising some strong, independent kids. Remember: happy kids turn into miserable adults who can't understand why the world is cruel and hard. Teach 'em young and they'll thank you when they have a bratty brood of their own.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, some of the worst parenting decisions I've ever seen. You must have a personality disorder or something, remarried? How? Who couldn't figure out in the first 10 seconds of talking to you, that you kind of seem like an asshole. Tough shit indeed.

Anonymous said...

Yuck, you seem like a pig, I feel sorry for yer kids.

frigginloon said...

Geez Jocelyn your slipping, I would have made the littlie eat that candy right from your dirty undie drawer.

Anonymous said...

one day your kids will remember that and smash your stupid face idiot

Billy said...

dam u are one crazy bitch
im 20 and im so glad my mother was never like u!
ur just gonna have kids that are gonna hate u.
u need some help
u need to be raped 50 times then shitted on the raped then slapped a couple of times, then set on fire.

fuk if i was ur husband and u did that shit to me ud be dead on the ground asking for forgiveness.

Manda said...

I love this blog and laugh reading the comments, but some of these morons that take this seriously scare me to death. What kind of a freak wishes for someone to get raped and burned to death but is sanctimoniously confident that they are a "good person?"

Jacob said...

Phew, you're a sick puppy Jocelyn. Or sick a Momma, whichever you prefer.

Dog Breath said...

Wow I vote for "Billy". That's got to be the best comment ever.

LOL!

stephenpatrickandrews said...

What you need to do is save the wrappers from Hershey Kisses. The next time you shit save it and wrap dome up in those wrappers. That should teach that lil bitch to stop eating candy. And if it doesn't, at least you'll always have a place to shit.

stephenpatrickandrews said...

That Billy that commented earlier must be one dumb mother fucker. How is a dead person laying on the ground gonna ask for forgiveness. Some people

trog69 said...

Jailen Testes-Harder. As if whispered by a chorus of angels, it's beauty gives my heart such a warmth and comfort that I've found nowhere else, ever.

How very fortunate for her that she has such a wonderful mother, an inspiration to all the mothers that claim the title. Too bad your son has chosen to waste the precious gift of your highly valuable, motivational guidance, and a faint trace of love, maybe. Or not. But certainly acceptance, for the most part, sometimes.

I do note one instance in your treatise that left me less than impressed. You surely didn't get much for the bike, I mean, c'mon, how much can we expect that you spent to buy that POS in the first place? I mention this only to ask, what happens when the chain comes off the sprocket again, and Tubby slams his nuts on the frame, and your boy happens to see it occur? Do you really wish to teach your son the vaguely illicit pleasures of schadenfreude at such a young age?

Perhaps now, you can turn this into yet another teaching moment, when you advise him on techniques to assure that the chain will fall off right in front of the house, like if a thick hose is left lying across the street, for instance. Just a thought!

CP said...

@ Billy - I know someone who'd give ya a good pegging - but from the looks of it, I don't think you'd appreciate the effort that went into it.


Anyways- Way not to take any flak from the kids! Too often these days they're raised to think they're entitled to everything on God's Green Earth when really, 100 years ago, they'd be hard at work in mills & mines before the government got all concerned about 'child safety' regulations and laws.

Anonymous said...

you are a ROUGH ASS BITCH

i love it!

Philbert said...

Hey Darlin,

Thanks for the wet socks. I'll stop at the Piggly Wiggly for your booze juice.

Oh and if you wondering why your 'momma's little helper happy pills' aren't working it's cuz I swapped'em out. Ain't you been wondering why your pee is bright yellow?

Sometimes you're dumber than a boat load of nails. Hardy har har!

Love you puddin pop,
Phil

Francine said...

Wow. That's all I can say. You fuck up and your son get punished. You tempt your daughter with candy in your drawer and then when she eats it, like a typical 3 year old, she gets punished. I'm all for tough love, but what you do is downright abuse. It may not be the kid that leaves physical bruises (or maybe you do that too, who knows. They tend to go hand in hand) but it leaves bruises nonetheless.

Your kids will abandon you to rot in a pile of shit in your old age, and you will deserve it.

Anonymous said...

America! Fuck yeah!

Anonymous said...

You are a crazy fucked up bitch? What the fuck happened to you? Did mommy and daddy drop you on your damn head one to many times as a baby? Grow up, the world doesn't revolve around you! By the way, get your damn teeth fixed, you look like a white trash piece of shit!

Anonymous said...

Please... PLEASE publish. The world could use some more of this writing

Elizabeth James said...

Yes...you know its true when your husband is the one that continually reminds you...love it J!

Kevin said...

I just wanted to let you know that ive read some of your blogs and i think that you are an exemplary show of what is wrong with people in the world today. Im American by birth but live in Guatemala because my parents work in the foreign service because they decided to do something meaningful and helpful to the world with their lives not some trailer trash redneck piece of shit like you. After reading some of your dumber posts, like hazing the new guy, I personally think that you should go commit suicide u stupid gap toothed bitch

McFred said...

Eat my shit straight from the source.

trog69 said...

Eat my shit straight from the source.

Shave off the mustache and we'll talk.

Brain in a Hat said...

stephenpatrickandrews, you ignorant slut, the expression 'dead on', as is 'dead on the ____', doesn't mean that someone is dead. E.g., "You'll be dead on your ass after I donkey punch you, you jizz-faced faggot."

I'm with Billy. Joss deserves to at least be set on fire for getting a man's work boots wet. The things she dun to her kids tho, that's just good parenting.

Anonymous said...

You are nuts! You need a shrink honey!

Anonymous said...

nice teeth hillbilly skank !

Anonymous said...

its a shame the department of social services bothers some innocent people when people liek you are out there !!!

Anonymous said...

wow you dont deserve children. if you rule the house hold thats fine.but to rule your house through fear of punishment that is no way to live.you will burn in hell for the way you treat your family and others. i just hope your kids aren't to damaged in the head by the time they get a chance to get away from you. i will say a prayer for your children and hope that they get lucky and wake up to you drowned in a puddle next to your husbands work boots. wow your a cunt of the highest level. and the sad thing is i can say all i want and so can the rest of the nation but your still going to get enjoyment out of what we say. atleast i can say one thing though. I AM A BETTER PARENT THAN YOU EVER WILL BE AND EVER THOUGHT HAVE BEING. shame on you for treating something as important as your family this way.

sevenvoices said...

You do realize that treating your children like that will result in you spending the remainder of our life in the crappiest nursing home possible once senility kicks in. Judging by your photo that'll be pretty soon too.
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.
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BITCH!

Anonymous said...

You know what? You did NOT have any right to sell your kid's bike - it wasn't yours. You're a STEALING BITCH.