Thursday, November 5

I'm a Vegetarian! (but I eat meat)

I've been trying to get back in my daughter's good graces lately. She's made it clear that I lost some of her trust during her brief adventure as a runaway. It's been a real uphill battle! Her new thing is that she's decided to become a vegetarian. After reading some of her magazines on the subject, I think this is a hobby I can definitely sink my teeth into!

Of course it's never as easy as just avoiding meat. All that leaves you with is crappy food! So Darla joined a new local vegetarian cooking club. Since I've shown so much enthusiasm for her new found passion, she invited me to be a part of their annual "Harvest Time" potluck. I was so excited that I promised Darla that I'd make a vegetarian version of my grandmother's old world lasagna recipe.

The potluck was a fun idea, and everyone seemed to enjoy my dish. But I wasn't too thrilled with theirs! I don't understand why vegetarians always insist on using so much tofu. And the lentils! And cabbage rolls! Needless to say, I became an instant gas bag. I politely went into the hallway and ripped a long, dirty fart. Suddenly a few young children of the group members ran out of the room and into the center of my fart cloud!

Nearly everyone had helped themselves to a slab of my delicious lasagna. I knew it'd be a hit, but I never expected people to ask for the recipe. Sorry, girls, but it's a family secret! Unfortunately I never did make it to the store before preparing my dish, so I had to substitute the mock ground beef I had planned to use with an old frostbitten package of ground veal.

Well how was I to know that vegetarian's bodies simply "forget" how to digest meat?! The next day they were all chatting on Facebook about how sick they all got. Luckily nobody figured out which dish caused it! Honestly, I haven't had such a laugh since that Summer I worked for that barbecue catering company, when I "accidentally" fed pork hot dogs at a Muslim family's reunion picnic!

.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol This reminds me of the time I went to a fundraiser potluck with a guy who claimed to be allergic to shell fish. We had our doubts though because he's been known to be full of shit (has claimed to be allergic to eggs and devoured his creme brulee in the past without knowing the ingredients). I used a shrimp paste in my recipe, and he had no reaction. He was less than pleased when I called him out we all laughed at him. We haven't seen or heard from him since. Good thing we collected his fundraiser money before this all went down.

Anonymous said...

surprised your toothless ass made anything you can't suck down with a straw.

hope someone shits in your burger at the next pot luck.

Dog Breath said...

I'm a cannibal but I only eat vegetarians so I'm quite healthy as they are very lean and free of hormones and pesticides.

Vegetarianism is the best thing to happen for cannibals, and mountain lions for a really long time... That and the new garbage disposals that grind up bones and teeth etc...

Anonymous said...

Did she decide to do this after eating your Beef-a-Roni?

Irfan Khan said...

Hmmm... So vegans cant digest meat, eh?

Interesting, very interesting.

Anonymous said...

So your daughter didn't get sick because she's new to being a vegetarian, right?

deadworkers said...

I loved the part of the story where one of the kids smelled your fard and punched you in your dirty cunt. That was awesome!

Anonymous said...

your teeth are fucked up. get a new face.

Anonymous said...

"But I wasn't too thrilled with theirs! I don't understand why vegetarians always insist on using so much tofu. And the lentils! And cabbage rolls!" - if they don't eat meat, where else do they get their protein from? And that other guy saying they eat meat but they "dont swallow it" - I mean seriously, WTF?! I'm actually speechless with anger at how stupid people can be... o.o
"Vegetarian" means someone who DOESN'T EAT MEAT! *sigh*...

frigginloon said...

Why bother going into the hallway to let rip, I would have just squeezed out a silent one.

Anonymous said...

you're a terrible person.

Annie said...

\hahhahaha,

Dude. You should have told atleast someone at that Muslim Family reunion ... maybe followed by a 'just kidding''

That look would have been once-in-a-lifetime sort

Chloe said...

How do you find it FUNNY to feed the dead, rotting carcass of a baby cow who was tortured all his short life to people who are morally opposed to that disgusting treatment of innocent animals who feel fear and pain?

There is a special place in hell reserved for witless, ignorant, shallow fuckups like yourself.

Anonymous said...

This sounds like fun; I will have to try this!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for another great story. You just keep goin' girl, Screw the haters!
Well, maybe not. They're damn funny too.

Anonymous said...

we can't expect someone with no self respect to respect others....

Steve H said...

"How do you find it FUNNY to feed the dead, rotting carcass of a baby cow who was tortured all his short life to people who are morally opposed to that disgusting treatment of innocent animals who feel fear and pain?"

One finds it funny because it's really quite funny. For what it's worth, I laughed at your synopsis as well.

Anonymous said...

I think veal is lamb. It's not a dead cow carcass.

I am a vegetarian, but only eat pepperoni and sometimes bratwurst and sausage at company gatherings.

Sometimes I buy big cuts of beef when they are on sale (I mean like $2.99 a pound!) And the inexpensive chicken breasts at Costco are a pretty good source of protein. Lots of meals in that bag.

All in all it's very healthy to be vegetarian.

Lisa L said...

Bless your heart for getting some protein into their starved little vegetable hearts. Everyone goes through a "vegetarian phase" in their early twenties, I'm convinced, just because they feel bad about not being able to afford delicious, luxurious steak dinners every day.

Anonymous said...

Every one of those veg*ns would be well within their rights to slit you from stem to stern for such a vile act. Your daughter should disown you, but only after taking the car keys and setting your house ablaze.

You are a CUNT.

Rose said...

That isn't right. What you wrote isn't funny. It's sick and twisted. Personally, I'd be pretty pissed if I learned someone put meat in a lasagna and let non meat eaters eat it, when prior to coming to the potluck, the person knew it was a VEGETARIAN potluck. I find that it's disrespectful to people who don't want to eat meat for various reasons. That is an awful thing you did. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you were my mother, I would leave and never invite you anywhere again or talk to you. Your daughter was excited about being vegetarian and you put meat in the lasagna. WTH is wrong with you??!

Anonymous said...

"I am horrified, by such villanous behaviours" or some such prattle. People , just because it is on the interwebs.... Joss; never stop. Vegetarian farts rule.

Anonymous said...

You're an ignorant bitch.
Your kids being taken away from you would be the best thing that could happen to them. I don't understand how you find this crap (or any of your entries, for that matter) funny. You're rude and insensitive, and to top it all off, you have this "whatever-I'm-always-right" attitude.

Just a quick question: do you live in a trailer?

Anonymous said...

Of course you wish to be judged, or you would not have posted that vile story of your sneaky deceit. You wish to be judged by those of your own kind... those who are willfully ignorant - like you.

Your wish was to get the approval of the equally untrustworthy, crass and low-brow "clan". You had hoped to demonstrate yourself as vulgar. Congratulations Madam, you've certainly proven your point.

Anonymous said...

Premise 1: Vegetarians choose a lifestyle that is harmless to you as a person.
Premise 2: Vegetarians have a vested personal interest in their vegetarianism.
Premise 3: Disrespecting persons' harmless interests by intentionally maligning them is morally wrong.
Conclusion: You intentionally maligned and disrespected your vegetarian friends and family. Therefore, you have performed an action that is morally wrong.

Your own intuition should lead you to believe that you have done persons wrong. Your comments about your own daughter's likely response "if she knew" are staggering. Please reconsider the actions you take in your life.

Anonymous said...

Knowingly feeding meat to vegetarians is pretty awful. Besides that, lasagna is not even a dish that needs fake or real meat! It's super good with vegetables and cheese, or even just cheese.

Also, leaving meat out of your diet doesn't just leave "crappy food." I assume you like the pasta, tomatoes, and cheese that you put in your lasagna? You don't have to eat tons of lentils and tofu. I'm a vegetarian and I haven't eaten either of those things once this year.

LaRAWR said...

I'm shocked that people have posted supporting what you did.
You are ignorant. Research it a bit. Same goes for all those saying vegetarians aren't healthy. I have been veg for nearly 4 years and never been healthier. And by being vegetarian, I really mean that. No buying bulk bags of cheap chicken like the idiot somewhere in these comments says.
I honestly hope you have a horrible death, much like the veal you fed those vegetarians did.
And, whoever wasn't sure on what veal is, it is cow.

Anonymous said...

I hope that you don't claim to be a Christian, there's no way you could do doing something this heartless and stupid and still worship the Lord.

Also, you should update your 1970's photo (can't be modern with that grill and hair).

Anonymous said...

Wow... it really should stop suprising me how incredibly disrespectful some people can be.I'd knock you out if you slipped veal into my food and told me it was a vegetarian dish. Soo disrespectful....just wow. Going to a vegetarian potluck with veal....a dead baby calf that many meat eaters won't eat because of the extreme cruelty....you are a real piece of work lady.

Anonymous said...

what a fuckin disrespectful bitch..

Anonymous said...

My husband is a vegan. Occasionally cook him these yummy "vegan" treats, most of which contain some dairy, and he eats it and has no digestive problems. Also, when we go out to eat, he orders things without meat in them but which I know to have non-vegan stuff in them. So it's all in his head. Of course, he admits that if he doesn't know what's in it it won't hurt him and at least he isn't one of those annoying "meat is murder, dairy is rape" vegans, he's just started doing it to impress some loser animal rights girl when he was a teenager.

Self-righteous vegans and vegetarians who claim to do it for animal rights are freaking hilarious-when they are not being annoying.


And LMAO at sneaking the pork hot dog to the Muslims.

Keep up the good writing.

Anonymous said...

ha-ha
you gave pork to Muslims how did you do that ignore everybody's worthless comments about you being a bad mother your clearly dedicated going to Wendy's at 11:30 I love your blog if I was a boy and you where single you'd be the girl I want.
I wonder what would happen if they found out it was your dish that made them sick.

Anonymous said...

extra comment.
loooll
'contract oral Herpes'

Patrick said...

You're a dick, honestly. You're not clever or funny, just disrespectful.

Granny said...

Sick.
Twisted.
Incorrigible.
Brilliant!

Best blog on Blogger! What a talented writer you are - I'm hooked, girl. Keep it up.
Oh, and THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for not filtering out the comments of the fools who think..oh never mind, you know what I mean! Their comments are nearly as funny as you are.
(Not quite, and in a pathetic sort of way, but funny as hell - I love it when they cant figure out "there" from "their," "your" from "you're," etc., while they're lecturing you on being a moron & a bad example to your "poor children!"

If you do have kids they're damned lucky to have a mom with a sense of humor, good hair, a great smile AND an education.
Rare, that!

Anonymous said...

I read a shitty post you made about getting some normal asshole kicked out of college because he gave criticism of your photograph when asked. I guess the cunty qualities that you showed in that event were not isolated, as this is another story in which you show just what a fucking bitch you are.

Anonymous said...

Every comment of yours that I've read here proves over and over again what a disrespectful idiot you are.

You are a horrible human being.

Anonymous said...

You really fed vegetarians meat, lying to their faces.. fed meat to people so morally opposed, disgusted at the IDEA of even eating meat.. pork for the poor Muslims..

Go to hell you ignorant, white trash bitch.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing that you find this story as well as the one about the Muslim Family Reunion actually funny. How is this funny? You knowingly prepared a dish with meat for a room full of strangers who value vegetarianism, whether it be for religious or simply moral reasons. I am appalled by this.

I really thought when I first started reading your post that you were going to share a story about how your daughter opened your mind to dining options that were completely meat-free but delicious.

Please take my comment and the other offended comments in reply to this post of yours to heart. Even if these people you fed had/still have no idea what was in that lasagna, NEVER do something like this again.

You are disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are really a sad human being. Some people make a commitment to a cause they believe in, and you decide it's your choice to go to--a friendly, hospitable--gathering you were invited to and do something against their ethics and make them ill in the process . . . because you are ignorant!

What a sad life you must lead, if you think this is ok. And I am no kid. I wish I pitied you, but I can't muster it.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are a sad sad person. What you did is a pretty disgusting thing to do so I'm quite sure you'll get your comeuppance at some point. Seriously, that's just damn disrespectful.

Anonymous said...

You are an ignorant jerk. You don't deserve your daughter's trust.

pkfier said...

Fuck vegetarians. Those shit heads have only made the use of dead animals in my house sky rocket. Just this thanks giving I bought 6 Turkeys to make up for vegetarians switching tofurkey and laughed when I threw about 50% of it away because it was going bad. If I ever see a vegetarian leave their plate I will spit in their food and they never seem to notice due to their familiarity with eating crappy food.

Anonymous said...

If you go into an orgy with a blinfold you might not like the food put into your mouth. It is the vegitarian's fault for their own choice. Don't like what might be hidden in your food? Then eat it like the animals do. Uncooked and off the branch....Idiots!

Anonymous said...

You are really disrespectful of others wishes. I don't know how you find it humorous. Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

Shame on you.