Thursday, January 7

Mistress of the hunt!

I've always loved the wilderness! Of course the beach is still my favorite vacation spot, but I also try to set aside a week each year to spend in beautiful Western Colorado. The cool dry air, fresh clean waters, and uneven population ratio of women to men suit me just fine!

My last trip to Colorado started with the usual day of travel that I always dread. To make matters worse, I worked a half day before the flight. It happened to be the day of our office chili cook off contest! I had to sneak into the conference room before I left to steal a few large gulps of all six chili varieties. I don't think the last two had a chance to really cook all the meat! My stomach was churning!

As you can imagine, my fellow first class passengers didn't appreciate my sickening chili farty pants none too much. My body is a finely tuned instrument, but on that afternoon I was playing a symphony of sour notes! But don't get me wrong; I didn't waste good money on First Class tickets! I booked Phil and I in separate seats, then I asked the clerk at our terminal to find us two seats that were together, and he gave us last two seats up front. Thanks again, Terry!

After landing in Albuquerque (and driving three more hours by car) we made it to our rental cabin. But this was no cabin like I've ever seen! This was a big beautiful wood house in a neighborhood of nice homes, nestled in a nice woodsy area! What could be more perfect? I was so excited that I ran straight into the backyard to set up a nice deer blind!

A Deer Blind is basically a couple big pieces of plywood with a small hole cut out of the middle for your gun to go through. Then the whole thing is painted like branches and leaves. It's an ideal set-up for poaching deer in a neighborhood like this, where the animals have never been hunted. Talk about easy meat! With my butchering skills and Phil's taxidermy abilities, we actually made some money on that vacation!

Fishing is another favorite pastime of mine, and Colorado's rainbow trout is as plentiful as it's Fat Tire beer is overrated. Experts like me will tell you to catch your fish with care, and release them back for the benefit of future generations. Then we show up later to catch and keep those same big healthy fish using large nets and minimal effort! They don't call us "the experts" for nothing!

After a week of these activities I always feel relaxed, but also a little worn out. That's why Phil and I spent our last day at the nearby hot springs resort. After drinking some local beer (which seems stronger at those higher altitudes!) we relaxed and fingered each other in almost every hot tub on the premises. I don't know what the secret is, but those healing mineral hot spring waters do wonders for my syphilitic sores, and somehow shrink my hemorrhoids down a little!

_

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

How does Phil like to be fingered?

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Please never come back to my home state. It's people like you who the locals hate. The thought of your nasty hemerhoid infested ass soaking in a hot tub makes me throw up a little. Just stay in New York/L.A. Or where ever the hell your from and keep fingering your man bwahahahaha god your worthless.

Anonymous said...

Look, she's on vacation. If her hemorrhoids and sores are helped by the hot springs, maybe you should simply accept her tourist dollars and stop complaining.

Anonymous said...

muahaha, 3rd anonymous was worried about hemorrhoids, but not the syphy ick. sores gotcha down?

Anonymous said...

my balls are on fire

Anonymous said...

Like another said, stay out of our state and quit your poaching ANYWHERE!!! I don't mind hunters and people who like to fish, but for wildlife's sake, obtain a license and hunt or fish legally. If you can afford the plane tickets, you can afford to pay the fish and game department. I hope they have some way of busting you since you admit on your blog to poaching. You're a sad excuse for a human being.

Anonymous said...

Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY wants to know about your chilly farts or your fingering or your hemorroid infested ass. Btw Phil might be gay.

Lisa L. said...

There are too many damn wild animals in the world, especially deer! They are like squirells, but too big to easily run over with cars. Please poach more, and often.

PS hot springs/spas etc. are also awesome for the herpes.

Anonymous said...

Holy fuck I hope you are kidding. You are disgusting.

darcey said...

YOU ARE ONE DISGUSTING BITCH.... I GUESS IT DOESN'T SUPRISE ME IN THE SLIGHTEST THAT YOU ORIGINATE FROM THE INBRED HILLS OF VIRGINIA. YOUR NEW SPOUSE??? PROBABLY YOUR BROTHER. YOUR LAST HUSBAND??? PROBABLY YOUR DAD (WHO IS ALSO THE FATHER OF YOUR INBRED, HAIRLIP KIDS) YOUR "OPEN" RELATIONSHIP? THATS SO YOU CAN CONTINUE TO FUCK YOUR 1ST COUSINS, WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO BE MARRIED TO THEIR SISTERS. PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY, GET STERILIZED. PERHAPS COLORADO SHOULD ENACT A "MAKE MY DAY" LAW FOR POACHERS???

Anonymous said...

if you come to colorado to do this, i hope you leave in a body bag. you're a waste of oxygen. go back to your inbred town and stay there, a-hole. you're the reason they invented the condom.

Anonymous said...

thanks for the heads up on poaching now i can report you to the authorities. hope to see you in jail soon thanks

Anonymous said...

What a sensitive bunch of tree-huggers!
Deer are like big rats with antlers, but taste much better.
Fishing with nets seems so primitive - you should try some electricity (or dynamite if you're feeling adventurous) if you really want some fun!

The Lone Wolf said...

Your trip sounds like so much fun! Glad you enjoyed yourself.

Anonymous said...

Get your saggy tuned ass and drink your budweiser in fucking Louisiana its people like you who should be shot and left deformed for the rest of your life I hope you get hit by a truck with a deer tied to it so its horns go right through that nasty ass of yours. We dont need people like you im sure we will live without one persons stupid ass money theirs enough tourists to shoot this bitch strait to the moon so she never come back if I ever see you in the neighborhoods of our cabin community ill be sure to glue a patch of c4 next to your deer blind and make it look like a notch in your fake tree so when you shoot It blows you to hell.


BITCH

Sazji said...

Fingering each other's hemorrhoids in a beautiful natural setting...ah, romance! Syphilis sores are a pain, but once it gets going on the brain, it makes for some really interesting creative writing. Pity about the gummas though...they'll really put a damper on your guy's libido!

Anonymous said...

Got any venison sausage?

Anonymous said...

you're ugly as shit and a fucking asshole too. oh wait, you pride yourself on that last one, my bad. good job!

Anonymous said...

lol some of you anonymous people really are fuckin' idiots

Anonymous said...

To the commenter who said: “…she never come back if I ever see you in the neighborhoods of our cabin community ill be sure to glue a patch of c4 next to your deer blind and make it look like a notch in your fake tree so when you shoot It blows you to hell.”

I’ve been trying to find C-4 forever. Dynamite is pretty good for fishing, but I’d love to try some of that.

Anonymous said...

I hope he kills you, collects on a life insurance policy he just pulled out, sells your shitty house, retires, finds some hot little 20 yr old to bang, buys a red corvette, and rides off into the sunset. I would say everybody would have gotten what they deserve, then. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

*sigh* and they say that people from my home state of Oklahoma are bad...

1. Stealing food from co-workers
2. Manipulating somebody to give you what you want
3. Farting in confined (and pressurized!) spaces
4. Illegally hunting
5. Contaminating public bathing areas
6. Having ripped ass in both the slang AND literal sense (read: hemorrhoids + chili)
7. dffssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss