Thursday, January 14

More money saving tips!

I've gotten so many emails thanking me for my original list of money saving tips for single moms. Of course no thanks is necessary. We girls have got to stick together! Some of those who've contacted me have received a few bonus tips in response, and I'd now like to share those tips with the rest of you. If we all stay on track then we might just make it out of this Obama recession!

I'm a frugal drinker, as y'all know. So when I finish an expensive bottle of wine I don't just throw the bottle in the recycling bin. That's wasteful! Instead I break the neck of the bottle. Then I return it to the store and tell the clerk that it broke when I tried to open it. In most cases they'll give me a replacement bottle free of charge. You just have to remember to rotate which shops you go to, and make sure that they carry your brand.

Flowers are another easily returnable item. Phil is always buying them to keep himself out of the doghouse. After about a week I bring them back to the shop and demand some new healthy ones. I'll argue if necessary, but not for long. If the clerks continue to refuse I'll simply dump the dead stems and dirty flower water on their feet and leave. Their manager will hook me up later when I explain how their employee slapped the vase out of my hands.

Another big waste of our good money is birth control, like that silly NuvoRing. It doesn't really matter what you use as long as it's sure to kill sperm. Usually a dusting of cocaine on the gentleman's penis will do. But lacking that, I go with a scrunchy soaked in bug spray. Talk about a warming sensation! Maybe your fool boyfriend will complain that his dick doesn't work for a week after. Tell him that you're just that good!

Of course the cost of these luxury items aren't your only concern. There are other necessary expenses, like the large sums you're forced to spend on your loved ones. Who needs it? I've recently discovered that simply denying to further support my mother has caused her to be transferred from that crappy nursing home to an even crappier state-run facility. Now my monthly "Mom" costs have dropped down to $0. Why doesn't everyone do this?

I took this little maneuver a step further. I pretended that my kids live with my mother instead of me. Once the school calculated her (lack of) income they decided to give my kids free lunch cards. Some of the teachers have even started buying my kids clothes and winter jackets. The savings are so significant, sometimes I'd swear I was made of money!

Speaking of schools, I've gotta mention school fundraisers. They're just a great way collect quick cash after normal business hours. The catalogs and other materials are easy to get your hands on, and your kids don't need to know any better. It's all about "charity", so don't sweat it. None of your neighbors are actually expecting your kid to come through with that $30 can of spicy peanuts, or that $12 roll of Christmas wrapping paper. If they come around asking just convince them that your kid messed up the order because he has mild autism or something.

20 comments:

payneypuff said...

dear sweet jocelyn,
o, how i love thee...
thanks for all the tips!

J-Major said...

wow, you're inconsiderate as FUCK.

Halalallah said...

I hope you fucking die you redneck cow.

Anonymous said...

Excellent!!!

Anonymous said...

I am embarassed for because you clearly have no sense in guaging right and wrong. It is disappointing to see somebody cheating out those who are truly deserving.

Lisa L. said...

Dude, you should dispense with the birth control altogether, I mean... scrunchies and bug spray are expensive and THINK of the extra revenue generated by the "fun"draising scams after a few new kids are born and old enough to get to work. Also you can have all these baby showers, and then sell the presents you get at them! :-)

Anonymous said...

About this guaging right and wrong thing, what makes you think those Jocelyn is 'cheating' (I think she's just taking what should have been given her in the first place), are truly deserving?

Forget truly, what makes you think they are deserving at all?

Anonymous said...

I hope someone sees this and presses charges against you. Especially the flower guy you got fired

Anonymous said...

A du$ting of cocaine? A box of condoms will last you a lifetime if you wash & re-roll them carefully enough. Don't thank me, thank Heloise.

Jen said...

Just make sure when you re-roll them that you don't have any rough edges on your fingernails!

Anonymous said...

you are the lowest form of scum, only day you'll scam the wrong person and they'll trash your face worse then it already is

Anonymous said...

This was the best laugh I've had in awhile lol. Good Stuff!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL I love being a misanthropist. This is just one more reason to be one.

Anonymous said...

This is why I have trouble respecting women.

Sazji said...

Hmm, for me, this is precisely the reason I do respect them! Only dusting a dick with cocaine is hardly economical, especially if its a big one. And I don't imagine Jocelyn here'd be cavorting with any pencildick boys!

rotten apples said...

I lost my sense of humor until I read a few of your posts.

I love you!! I would become lesbian for you (and don't worry about those stinkin' tampon strings)...

I get an equal laugh from those who just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

1. If you can afford coke, you can afford the pill. And it's cheaper than another baby, which you obviously don;t need.

2. All of those tips in some way involve stealing or possibly ruining someone's life. How little do you care about your mother to do that, you slag? What if the employee at the florist gets fired because you wanted so fucking flowers? Do you have any respect or consideration for anyone besides yourself?

John said...

Bah, for the person who said that BCpills are more economical than coke - you can't snort birth control pills!

More bang for your buck!

Anonymous said...

I really love how you call it the "Obama recession" considering it started during the Bush administration......

Anonymous said...

i read a couple of your posts and i have to say you should run for office as it looks like most people will believe anything you say. and i would vote for you just to piss everyone else off.

i love your writing "voice" your balls to the wall, more women than i will ever have more man than i will ever be style is refreshing. (yes i did steal that line from an unknown source)

and referencing your "what women want" post i will be getting a"cosmetic scrotal tuck" the day after my balls drop. hilarious