Thursday, January 21

Muffin gone wild!

Poor Muffin! He doesn't get out much, and doesn't get much exercise. I also think that spending all his time alone in our tiny backyard (behind a 7-foot privacy fence) has driven him a little bit crazy! Honestly, he hasn't been looking right lately:



So a few days ago, on an unseasonably warm morning, I loaded him into the car and drove down to Richmond's beautiful "Fan District", because it's such a lovely place to take a stroll. It felt really good, with Muffin trotting along merrily while I power walked in my cute shorty shorts and Winnie the Pooh hoodie.

There are only a few businesses peppered throughout this neighborhood, including a small real estate office. As we strolled by it Muffin came to a dead stop and began motioning towards the office door. That stubborn dog wouldn't let me pull him another inch! I walked back to try to drag him out of his stance, but he growled real low and wouldn't budge.

He started scratching at the base of the door and groaning, so I decided to just let him in to find out what he wanted so bad. As soon as the door was breached Muffin shoved his way through, dragging me behind. He was sniffing all over the floor like a maniac! A few agents were sitting inside at their dark wood desk, probably wondering what the hell we were doing.

They found out soon enough, as he crouched down on their beautiful hand-woven wool rug and took a massive liquid shit. He then took two dainty steps, kicked his hind legs a few times towards the mess, and walked back outside. All I could say was, "Sorry, he's been sick!" as we both high-tailed it out of there. Muffin and I ran down the side alley and up a few blocks to avoid further scrutiny.

Now that Muffin had taken care of business he became more difficult to walk. He was yanking me all over the place, but I held my arm tight and pretended like we were still just out for a leisurely walk. We passed a bench by a bus stop and there was a nice looking old black gentleman sitting there. He stared at Muffin like it was the devil or something! He didn't even notice my cute shorts!

As I passed I said, "Good Morning!" in a sing-song voice. He didn't say a word, he just kept staring. I didn't want him to think that there was anything to be afraid of so I walked Muffin closer to him and said, "What's the matter? Don't you know how to say good morning?!". After about ten seconds he finally looked up at me and mumbled, "OH, good morning, good morning..". I just shrugged and we went on our way.

As we headed down another cobblestone alley a small white cat darted out from under a fence around the end of the alley. Muffin couldn't resist! He yanked me so hard that the bathrobe belt I'd been using as a leash came loose from his neck! I followed him down the side street but it was too late. What sucks is that he wasn't even wearing his collar or tags! I hope he finds his way home soon because there's a big bag of dog food here that's gonna go to waste!

.

18 comments:

XanderBear said...

Poor muffin!

Anonymous said...

I had a dog once who liked to dig his way under the fence & go visit down - he would be back at the gate in the evening waiting to be let in.

One day he never came back :(

Anonymous said...

wow...you're an idiot...and a crazy person. Poor Muffin indeed!

Anonymous said...

What kind of food?

Anonymous said...

you are like crack...your posts are so addictive!

you are genius

Anonymous said...

You are a self-absorbed idiot who should never own another dog. You need the license, not the DOG! With any luck, he'll find a much better home than with your mindless ass

Anonymous said...

holy sheet! I hope you are sterile, cause lady, you are a phukkin retard!! I hope poor Muffin gets shot in the head by the cats owner. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Thats horrible, you should find him. Its your dog, doesnt that mean he is part of the family?

Anonymous said...

You are a total useless person and do not deserve to have a mouse, much less a strong dog like a rottie.

Anonymous said...

you are a horrible dog owner.

Anonymous said...

Your posts make me smile, the angry comments give me the oddest thrill. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

im sorry to tell you this jocelyn-dear but men dont notice your cute shorts they notice your ass showing through it and your bare legs if anything.

Anonymous said...

what do you expect from a shit for brains moron

darcrista said...

hey! i know!! you can feed the extra dog food to your kids!!! just mix in some water and throw it in the microwave for a minute.. tell em its stew. It'll save ya some trips to Wendy's!

Anonymous said...

your dog clearly ran away to find a better home. truth hurts

You Stupid Cow said...

WTF you stupid bitch? You let him in someones office to take a shit then left? You stupid cow I would beat your ass down if you did that in my place!

You take what is yours and expect what's coming to you?

You're then man... Sigh.

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

I'm a straight, goody-goody, left of center, mom/granny, and I find your blog hysterical. Even the comments you get crack me up. It they don't get it, they don't get it. Better than tv.

Anonymous said...

This blog is better than my trips to the methadone clinic! Reading this literally makes me laugh so hard the orderly on my wing has threatened to beat me.