Wednesday, January 27

My babies hongry!

I came home last night around 11:30pm, drunk as a skunk, to discover that my damn kids were still up and running around the house. They said they hadn't had any dinner, and they'd gotten into my case of Red Bulls from Costco and made a big mess of it. The babysitter wasn't even there. He'd left a note about needing to bail his girlfriend out of jail.

My comfy bed was calling to me, but I knew my kids needed some food in their stomachs or they'd never get to sleep and they'd be impossible to wake up in the morning. I also had a pretty good case of the beer munchies. The only thing open was the Wendy's drive-thru, so I drove us over real quick and pulled up to the speaker. The lady came on and I ordered myself a combo.

Of course my kids were so hopped up on caffeine that they couldn't think straight and didn't know what they wanted. I heard one of them say, "Happy Meal!" and I said, "No baby, this is Wendy's, they got a kids meal...". A truck pulled up behind us in the line. I don't think he had his high-beams on, but his headlights were still shooting right through the back window of our car, which I can't stand.

I continued to try to get an order out of my kids. "Jailen, you want some apple slices? How 'bout some chicken nuggets baby? Do y'all think Orenthal would like a Jr Bacon?" (I'd left the baby at home 'cause his car seat is a pain in the ass). I looked back and three more cars were lined up. I decided to just order whatever, and of course the kids started to bitch and cry but by that point I didn't care.

I drove up to the window to pay, and unfortunately I'd forgotten to bring the purse that I keep Phil's credit cards in. All I had was my back-up card which has a bad strip, so the lady had to run it several times before manually typing it in. Then she handed me our dranks and a bag.

She said, "I'm still working on getting your Double with pickles and three Frosties, so please pull ahead to the door up on your left and we'll get those right out to you." I said "Naw.". For a minute she just stared at me while I sat there. "Ma'am, please pull ahead so we can keep the line moving". I replied, "No, that's okay, just do your best".

The cashier sighed and slammed the window shut. She came back three minutes later and handed us our stuff. Then she shut the door again and stared at me while I inventoried our bags to make sure we got everything. Well I'm sorry, but I've been burned before by these late-night losers.

Just then the guy from the truck behind us got out and came up to the window between my car and the drive-thru window. He banged on the window and yelled something at the cashier. I wasn't sure how to let this guy know how rude that was so I decided to just drive off while he had his ass pressed up against my car. I heard him swear as I took off, and me and the kids had a good laugh.

I pulled around and parked behind a large van near the entrance where I could watch the guy leave without him seeing me. The kids were whining for their food but I told them to wait because nobody's allowed to eat in my car but me! The guy pulled around and we followed him all the way down to the highway ramp. That's when I speed-dialed the police and reported him as a drunk driver. It took us another ten minutes to drive home from there, and by then the kids were fast asleep in the back seat. Screw it, more nuggets for me!

_

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are a piece of shit. No wonder Phil is going to leave you for the office assistant. Atleast she is smart enough to take all the children with her. But why does that matter you are just a matress tester.

Anonymous said...

You're an awful person- I hope the cops take your kids away!

MoP said...

You have to leave one of Phil's credit cards in your ashtray!

Anonymous said...

you suck as a person. first you admit to coming home drunk as a skunk, then you tell us that you proceeded to take your children to the drive through?! to top it off you then decide to fuck some random guys day up by calling the police and lieing to them about the random guy being drunk? you really fucking suck at life lady, when i find out where you live im gonna report you for negligence and drunken abuse on your children

Anonymous said...

You are a true peice of shit a waste of human flesh. You do not deserve children or a dog for that matter.I onloy wish i knew where you lived so i could have your children taken away from you. They deserve so much better you are nothing but a skank drunk whore. By the way you are so far from good looking why don't you get your teeth fixed you look so nasty hillbilly bitch!

Lisa L. said...

Where the hell was Phil, he should've been babysitting!

Damn, now I'm craving Wendy's.

Mitch said...

Good Call .. Those baby car seats are a pain in the snatch.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, ignorance and stupidity: God shed his grace on thee!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit your crazy, well it was entertaining at least Jesus Christ.
Why would you drive drunk with your kids in the car,but those car seats are a pain in the ass

MattOnFire said...

"...so please pull ahead to the door up on your left and we'll get those right out to you." I said "Naw."

I did an honest-to-goodness spit take there.

Anonymous said...

mmMMMMmm Wendy's! I didn't know they were open that late!

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha! You have bad teeth and your last name means balls! Look it up it you are toostupid to get it!

Anonymous said...

^anonymous can't really be this stupid.

Rocker Man said...

Jocelyn, you rock! If you weren't so butt ugly I might pump you full of mykids, but we'd have to do it doggie because the gap in your teeth would allow your fetid breath to escape and hit me in the face which would cause me to puke and you could drown. Safety first, I always say, especially while humping you. Tell ya what, how 'bout a blowie instead, but you're going to have to wear a paper bag with a hole chewed through, some putty for that gap, tape back those ears, and a couple of football mouth guards so those snags you call teeth don't scrape. Like I said, safety first. On third thought, let's just do it in the wild like animals near a lake. I'll bring my rifle and my fishing pole. When you howl like a bitch in heat and attract a wolf, I'll shoot it for the bounty money. I can bait my hook with your love juice and maybe catch a carp or two. You can have those to feed your kids. A win-win for both of us you hot, smelly, drunken, Richmond white trash trailer Queen.

If not, is Jailen free this weekend?

Karl Munchausen said...

You are a good Mother. Don't let anyone tell you any different. You obviously love your children very much to venture out so late in the evening to get them food. I really don't see what the big idea is driving them around after you have been out drinking. I mean you made it home from the bar!

Anonymous said...

Hey Rocker Man, why the hate? Do strong women intimidate you?

The Lone Wolf said...

Holy shit. That was YOU I was behind on Tuesdsay night. Sonofabitch! Hope you enjoyed those nuggets.

Sazji said...

Good overall but I don't think you handled the food issue correctly. I mean good on keeping the power drink around the house, it does cut the appetite after all but you should have gotten some food in them at Wendy's nonetheless. Otherwise they'll be waking up in the morning moaning "mommy, I'm hungry," while you're trying to sleep off that hangover. You gotta plan ahead!

For the rest of you self-righteous pinheads out there who obviously never had kids, get a life. Kids are tough, mollycoddle them and they'll turn out just like you!

Rocker Man said...

To which ever "Any Mouse" that addressed me....

I guess you missed the first line. I'll retype it louder this time in case your eyes are deaf , JOCELYN, YOU ROCK! There, did you hear that? Strong women don't bother me, but strong SMELLING women might be sick. They also might need a bath and a douche, but I err on the side of caution. " Safety First", I always say. Ms. Testes-Harder might actually be too strong for some, but I live on a mountain, so hillbilly bitches don't intimidate me.

Did that clear things up for you? If not, I suggest a good antibiotic ointment for that raw spot on your ass. Maybe a Band Aid or a maxi pad too. Don't want an infection, do you? Jocelyn, you are over run with Any Mice. I think you need to set out some poison and maybe a few traps. Steal a cat if you have too. Rodents carry disease and "Safety First", I always say,

Anonymous said...

Next time you should leave your kids with a trustworthy babysitter. Also shouldnt drive while "drunk as a skunk" especially with your kids in the car. It dosent hurt to be polite when in a drive thru. Perhaps this is too much to expect from such an obviously physcotic "mother" (i use the term mother loosley). I understand motherhood is hard, but it dosent excuse your neglagence. It is not self righteous to point out such idiotic behavior. My God, driving drunk with your kids.....I honestly hope you don't put their lives at risk again like that. I hope the best for those little kids, especially the baby. Overall i think its fair to call you just plain pathetic in this matter. I dont care if you decide not to publish this comment on your blog. I just want you to read it carefully and take it to heart before you fuck up your kids for life.

Anonymous said...

You are a waste of space.

Dick Hertz said...

Yeah, everyone thinks they have all the answers. Suck up to fast food employees (as if it's gonna get you a free pack of fries or something), pick up the dog crap (it fertilizes the grass, they should be grateful), feed the kids three times a day (Looked at the states on American obesity lately? She lives in Virginia, like, DUH!), wipe the baby's bottom with expensive throwaway towlettes when the dog is perfectly happy to lick it clean (their mouths are a lot cleaner than humans you know), bla bla bla. What kind of wimpy-assed country has America turned into?

Anonymous said...

Hey, Sazji, if kids are so fucking tough, keep your god damn legs shut you ugly wildebeast. You're about as moronic as this trailer trash Jocelyn.

Anonymous said...

SOOOOOOOOOO happy the south is down there where it belongs!

Anonymous said...

LMAO - Everyone knows Wendys has the slow crew working nights. I wish I had the inspiration to tell them "naw" instead of just pulling forward. Wonder more of them don't get pepper sprayed at night. I do have to wonder, if you were not so drunk, would you have told them that the mag strip was bad and they needed to run it manually?
I know you are a loving mother, but I do hope you beat those kids asses for getting into the red bull.

Also, did the babysitter get his girl friend out? What was she picked up for?

Country boy said...

Come on over Jocelyn I know we could have a good time. We can drink a lot of beer and Bang the night away.

Anonymous said...

You are a pisser!! Honestly, where do you get this stuff from? Great material for a reality show. You can keep Jersey Shore!!

Joke said...

Being an asshole doesn't make you a "strong woman"

Anonymous said...

Do your kids and all of humanity a favor.. kill yourself! You're a waste of sperm and egg and the best part of you ran down your mother's leg. You don't deserve to be a parent and anyone in their right mind wouldn't lay down and make a life with you. Stupid ugly cunt.

Skinny P said...

Hope those kids get taken off you. There must be plenty of parents out there with no way of having kids that would love to take yours. Best thing that could happen is if your dumb hick ass got destroyed when you wrap whatever hillbilly piece of shit you drive around a lamp post while drunk driving while giving a handjob to a crack head in exchange for some Wendy's chicken nuggets. And you were a stripper?? Seriously? You must've been the UGLIEST stripper ever employed! What kind of run down hell hole employed you as a stripper? Were there no other women in the town?

Anonymous said...

Holy Shit Woman!

You don't order like that at fucking Wendy's their bonuses are based on their drive times, not knowing what your kids want when you get up to the window is inexcusable, then not pulling forward when they ask is just plain wrong, lady your burger would have 2x mustard and 10x grease if I was working. FUCK YOU...oh yeah, also that's some responsible parenting too, why don't you be a real mom and drink a bottle of generic vodka at home and make the brats some goddamn hamburger helper, you are simply not qualified to order food at a drive-thru.

Anonymous said...

I always get horny after a night at the pub, so kudos to you for doing the responsible thing and driving home hammered to feed the kids.I know Social Services always has Snickers and Mr.Pibb handy for the late nite abandoned kid calls, but thats bad for their teeth.
But I AM curious about Phil's whereabouts on Tuesday night; please update us when your hangover recovery permits.

(I hope to hear he was out "gettin him some", hence your keen sense to invest in a reliable babysitter.)

Anonymous said...

Girl, YOU were the drunk driver! Drunk driving alone is one thing, but with your kids? And your only validation is "You're kidding yourself if you think that your parents never drove you somewhere drunk.". Are you mad? Maybe in the fucking backwater woods where you live that's normal, but responsible people don't do that. Set a better example for your family. Break the cycle of drunk driving.

Anonymous said...

too friggin awesome. reading the comments of these people is even better!! let's f*ck!

Daniel said...

Holy bajesus, the comment thread here is hilarious. I love you Jocelyn. Like I've never loved a woman

barberella said...

I laughed so hard the Newport 100 fell outta my mouth and melted Shaneisha's 'lil Dollar Tree Tiara into her hair...'lil crumb crusher started cryin', and I had to go set her out 'n the yard, so I could come back and finish reading... ;)

Love yer bloggage!

http://planetbarberella.blogspot.com/

ed said...

what a bitch.