Thursday, February 4

Losin' the weight!

Bikini season is right around the corner, folks, and it's time to lose those Winter pounds! A few of the girls at the office have had success with Alli, so I've been giving that a whirl. Unfortunately you can't eat badly on this stuff because it turns your food's fat content into a heavy orange grease. This nasty stuff ends up leaking right out of you like liquid gold!

I've had to resort to wearing adult diapers everywhere. It's not easy because they fill up quick, so instead of sexy love handles I've got a soggy diaper muffin-topping over the waist of my low-rise jeans. And try flushing one of those babies down! It turns even the most powerful toilet into a Bangkok stew pot. But at least I get to eat what I like!

Of course I'm still trying to cut back and be sensible. Instead of ordering a Triple Whopper from Burger King I've decided to settle on the Double. That's a savings of over 250 calories! Or instead of a tasty Big Mac, I just ask for two Big Mac Wraps. Low carbs means more yummy meat for me!

I've also been forced to stop buying snacks for the kids. Those tasty single-serving packs just tempt me too much! I always catch myself eating up their Lunchables, or polishing off a whole box of Fruit Roll-ups. The cupboard is so empty that I've had to give them my Dexatrims to bring for their snack at school.

I'm also encouraging my hubby Phil to shed a few pounds. But I'm not nagging the poor man; I'm using modern behavioural training techniques. When I catch him eating fattening foods I'll sneak up and perform a "Cup and Serve". Simply put, I fart quietly into my own hand, "cupping" the gas, then open my palm to "serve" it in Phil's face. It always succeeds in putting him off his food!

And yes, I've cheated a little! I've gorged on the occasional bucket of chicken here or there. But I always make up for it by getting my next lunch at Subway. I'd eat there more, but it's not very appetizing. Their employees tend to forget that the food safety gloves exist to protect our food, not just to protect their hands from money, trash, and cold cut juice.

_

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thnx Jocelyn [/sarcasm] - I will never eat in Subway again

Anonymous said...

You must go to the Subway at the Watkins Center in Midlothian- that's the filthiest Subway I've ever been in, and I haven't been able to bring myself to go to any of the other ones in the Richmond area since eating at that one.

cmoursler said...

lol, awesome...
weight loss blog of the day.

bgeek said...

Awesome as always.

Anonymous said...

mmm, thanks Jocelyn

you inspired me to throw my lunch in the trash

SkaryMoviez said...

OMFG this was hilarious! Especially the part about giving your kids Dexatrim™ for their snacks! Long live Jocelyn!!!

Anonymous said...

while you are loosing weight why dont youget your teeth fixed also. then you may not be so ugly

Bart Manous said...

Anonymous @ 3;03 P.M.,your spelling and grammar are heinous. An admirer of Jocelyn will punt your anus. Your pleas shall not restrain us. Beware of Big Bart Manous.

Anonymous said...

"Eating higher amounts of fat can cause unwanted effects, such as urgent bowel movements, diarrhea and gas with oily spotting." Are those farts the ones you "Cup and Serve" Phil?

Anonymous said...

bart m(anus) ill cunt punch you to tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 3;03 P.M.,your spelling and grammar are heinous. An admirer of Jocelyn will punt your anus. Your pleas shall not restrain us. Beware of Big Bart Manous
ohhh I am really scarred. Nothing worse than an internet tough guy
Why dont you go back into the basement and play with your dolls kiddo.

Lisa L. said...

I need to try that Alli. I can handle a leaky ass if it helps me stay looking fine without cutting out my chicken tenders and fries. No price is too high to pay, for a good figure. Unless that price is not eating delicious fried food!

Also, I'm totally adopting the cup and serve technique.

Anonymous said...

Girrrrl, get rid of those adult diapers. I just wear some dark orange jeans and nobody can tell the difference! They can get a little crusty by the end of the day, but you get used to it after a while.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't the coke curb your appetite? Have you considered meth?
Bonus: no oily poops. or any for that matter.

MoP said...

Three syllables: Adderall. Get diagnosed with Adult-onset ADHD, and voila! It's bikini time!

Anonymous said...

Ummm, lol. That doesn't sound like the best diet substance I've ever heard of. 3-6 pounds extra over the course of a YEAR?! Ridiculous. You can lose that by not drinking for a couple of days.
Maybe this isn't the smartest thing to suggest to you, but you should try some Dinitrophenol (DNP). Hate to say it, but it works... you just have to read the facts first. The danger of that particular drug is overheating, so if you do use it, DON'T take too much. My friend has good results with a maximum of 400mg a day, any more and you start to fail in your normal day life.
You may struggle to get some but try connecting with some body builders.
Anyway, my 2c.

Anonymous said...

Yarrr ~~~! There be a whale abaft the beam.

Whats this ? She seems be a leaking some primordial ooze.

Damn what is that smell ?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH its @#$%@#$%

Run for your lives...............

NASTY. Just nasty.