Wednesday, February 10

My horny Valentine!

Y'all give me a hard time, like I'm some kind of bitch. Well I'll have you know that I'm a very romantic, giving kind of woman! And even though I enjoy a "open relationship" (don't tell my husband!), I always show him an amazing time come Valentine's Day. It's a good wife's duty!

The first gift I'll offer my hubby is a jumbo 7-11 Valentine's card. Inside he'll find a fresh copy of his favorite porno mag. Who needs the chafing associated with cheap lingerie when you can get the same effect by laying a copy of Juggs magazine across your back?



Of course we'll send the kids to babysitter for the night so we don't keep them up with all our loud freaky sex! We'll end up doing it on the sink, in the baby's crib, and maybe on a loose bed of my grandfather's ashes. And when that's done, we'll fondle each other with cold cuts in front of the fridge à la 9½ Weeks.

There are several other sexy tricks I use to get Phil off. But his favorite is when I crush beer cans by slapping them against the counter with my floppy left tit. He also likes when I grind on top of him in reverse cowgirl wearing a Michael Vick jersey and matching jelly shoes.



But enough about us! Valentine's Day isn't just about committed relationships like mine. It's about old fashioned romance! Young love! You guys can go cheap when a girl is still smitten! Just bring a homemade card and a little McDonald's surf n' turf. The gift doesn't have to be pricey either. Might I suggest a lovely crack stem rose from the gas station? Don't forget the Chore Boy!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Those stupid things are crack stems? I always wondered!

Flinthart said...

Aww -- I'm so glad the spirit of romance isn't dead yet! That's so sweet!

Harleyrydr said...

any doubt as to why I love you are now dispelled..You are a true romantic you sexy thing.

Barista said...

Question - do you pop the tab off the beer can before you smash it? Or does Phil think it's sexy when the tab gets stuck in your nipple ring?

Anonymous said...

I hope the little rocks stuck in the bottoms of your Jellies don't scratch Phil's sides. That might be a mood killa. Happy VD!!

Graz said...

damn you are one busted ass trailer part bitch

Anonymous said...

"don't forget the chore boy" = priceless

(For those who don't know, glass tubing + chore boy = crack pipe... all 7-11s carry these two items)

Meanroy said...

Hi honey, any chance you can slip away from Phil while he's busy doing the neighbor this afternoon?
I like to make good on that Valentine promise.
(He doesn't read this does he!?)

Your true love,
MeanRoy.

kthxbai2u said...

spirit of romance can suck my dick

Anonymous said...

Wow, I can only imagine how annoying you must be in person

Anonymous said...

OMG, you're missing a tooth, hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

I am inspired by you, As a British Girl must I confess that America's comedy is slightly dry, you totally bring it back on top :D
Keep on going Jocelyn

Anonymous said...

i just want to say that i think its funny you dont want to tell your husband about your "open relationship". No wonder he wants to get the hell out of the house more than 1 day a month, especially when it seems as though you can come and go as you please. I feel bad for the guy.

Jim said...

"But his favorite is when I crush beer cans by slapping them against the counter with my floppy left tit."

Dude.. WTF.

Amerikan Rambler said...

I think the grossest part was the idea of McDonald's surf n turf.