Thursday, February 18

Unhappy hour!

The folks at work have been treating me differently ever since I took over the office. I understand if they're apprehensive about being friends with me. I'm their boss now. I've also fired all their stupid friends, so naturally they're worried about their own jobs. Still, it's only business. There's no need for them to be a bitches about it!

What really sucks is how I never get to hear any good gossip or anything because nobody ever wants to chat with me, or take smoke breaks together. The only time I hear about anything juicy is when I'm eavesdropping. So on Tuesday afternoon, while monitoring a few people's personal calls through our phone system, I heard one of the girls talking about how they were all going to happy hour that night. Nobody invited me, so I had to invite myself!

Buffalo Wild Wings is a favorite spot for the gang at my office. Everybody was happily sipping their first drink when I showed up. It looked like some of them even brought friends. They didn't even see me coming as I bumped up into the group with a "Hey, y'all! What're y'all doing here?!". They weakly greeted me. I could tell that they needed my help to get the fun started!

I headed over to the bar and ordered everyone a shooter that an old bartender friend of mine said he named after me: The HPV. I'm not sure what the name means, but it's made of hot sauce and cranberry vodka, and it gets you fuuuucked up! I brought 'em over to the table on a tray. I couldn't believe that a few people didn't want one! I turned on the pressure and convinced everyone to try it. This was supposed to be a party, after all!

I took a moment to teach everybody how to take this special shot. You place it on the table, wrap your lips around the shot glass, sit up, and tip your head back. Once you've swallowed the shot you've got hold the glass there with your lips and use your tongue to lick the inside of it clean. You should have seen them! They were all chocking and gagging like a bunch of punks, and I was laughing my ass off!

After that I slipped off to the bathroom where I ran into the new wife of Andrew, our youngest associate. She said that he had invited her along to meet everyone. I told her not to be nervous, and asked her if she wanted a bump of coke to help her socialize. She said okay because she was feeling a little anxious. Then the bitch proceeded to snort up a big fat line I had just cut for myself right off the bathroom counter. I was impressed!

We got back to the group and she starts acting really weird. She was all bug-eyed and asking everyone if they wanted to go party somewhere. I didn't want anyone to think that I had given her anything so I just left. On my way to my car I stopped to let all the air out of the tire of the girl whose call I'd monitored earlier. Serves her right for not inviting me!

So imagine my surprise when Andrew comes storming into my office this morning in a pissed off mood. Apparently his wife had kicked a drug habit before they'd met and now she's back on coke. They got in a fight and she's already left him to stay with her old drug dealer ex-boyfriend. How was I supposed to know that bitch was a junky? I told Andrew that he could have the afternoon off to go get his wife back. He didn't seem very happy with that suggestion, so I told him to get out of my face before I fired his ass.

_

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

You should have ordered those bitches The HIV.

Bitey the Chimp said...

That's why you insist on background checks and drug-screening on all current employees every two weeks. You also have to do the same for their wives and children before hiring. To avoid awkward situations like this.

Dog Breath said...

Well since Andrew is single now and you have an "ajar" marriage, time to get some roofies and a polaroid if you know what I mean.

Lou said...

are you hiring?

Anonymous said...

Joss you are going soft...
imagine giving him the afternoon off to go chasing his junkie wife. What are you running there, some kind of charity.
You probably did him a favour, you know once a junkie, always a junkie.

Anonymous said...

fucking bitch,
No wonder you are so ugly. Every time you go in to get you mouth fixed someone comes along and hits you with a crowbar. You deserve to die a very painful death.

Harleyrydr said...

Fuck those pussies.We coulda done shots then went to a field somewhere and banged all night.You need to hang with some REAL partyers instead of those little bitches.Congrats on the promo but what kind of shithead would promote you for fuck sakes?Love ya

Anonymous said...

What a sad and pathetic person you are

Corey said...

Wow, you have some pussy ass bitches that work for you girl! Damn, who doesn't know how to take a shot of HPV! Honey you need to hire me as your assistant so I can whip those pussies into shape! I suggest you have a beer funnel competition at work and whoever can't hold their liquor you need to fire their asses! That will get them into the company spirit!

Anonymous said...

Harleyrydr, real party people don't hang out in fields like douche bag morons. I suggest you stop trying to play the butch Harley rider and go back to frequenting the leather bars.

The Lone Wolf said...

The HPV sounds really tasty!

Anonymous said...

Best blog on the whole internot. Seriously.

Kanga said...

Ah, Jocelyn. Until I discovered this blog, I was under the illusion that I was in love with Cameron Diaz.
Beat it, skinny blonde actrine. At last I have found me a real woman, and I'm going to head for the cocktail bars of Richmond (is that in the USA or somewhere?) and stalk her 'til she's mine.

Harleyrydr said...

well anonymous(real surprise)maybe you should learn to read, asshole.I said do shots and then go to a field and bang.I realize the pussies you hang with think 2 beers and then home to mommy's basement to jack off is a full night but where I come from that wouldn't get you anything but laughed at.I won't bother with the leather bar comment(don't even know what that is)but since you mentioned it, it must be some fag bar or something.As far as playing a butch Harleyrydr come on over with your little vespa and show me what a real man is.I would absolutely see the fine example of manhood YOU are bitchass punk

Harleyrydr said...

sorry Joce,I invite you out for some hot times and some jealous little bitch has to start something.

Anonymous said...

harleyrydr, I am a female, not a man. Therefore, I don't need to go to Mommy's basement and jack off. I have a wonderful husband of 13 years who gives it to me good on a nightly basis. That's more than you can say! I don't need to create a witty and insightful screenname on here just to please you, moron. Putting my message on here anonymously works just fine. But since you needed to point that out as a basis for your argument, it only goes to show that you're grasping into thin air to back up your invalid and idiotic rambling. I don't drive a Vespa either. I own a 2010 Mercedes, paid in full because I have a career. Let me guess, you're going to make a comment that I have a sugar daddy or that I'm a hooker? But I can assure you that I am a successful real estate broker. As far as the leather bar, you're right, it's a "fag" bar as you like to call it. I'd also like to point out that when guys toss around the word "fag" or "gay", it's usually because they're repressed homosexuals themselves. So sit there and keep acting like you don't know what a leather bar is. I bet they call you "Daddy" or "Bear" when you go in to drink your Mike's Hard Lemonade. And Jocelyn, You fugly ass bitch! You didn't post the other comment I left to the moron Corey. You should have! It would have done his self esteem some good.

Harleyrydr said...

How's that real estate career going,hon? Good thing the Benz is paid for,huh?As far as the husband comment goes, you are absolutely right.I can't say I have a husband that gives it to me good 'cause I am a STRAIGHT male hence no knowledge of what a leather bar is AND no husband.I think maybe you resort to questioning my sexuality because you WISH you could find a harley rider who would look at you twice and show you what it would be like to get it from a REAL man..Maybe 1 day your fantasy will come true.And Joce, I am shutting up now 'cause this chick(or whatever)is boring the hell out of me.Looking forward to the next installment.See ya

SkaryMoviez said...

Offer your friends some shrooms at the next company outing and let the party begin!

Anonymous said...

God, how sick you are lady.

Hey smarty, you got owned by the bartender with a sense of humor.

Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahah

Old salty captain



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_papillomavirus

A human papillomavirus (HPV) is a member of the papillomavirus family of viruses that is capable of infecting humans. Like all papillomaviruses, HPVs establish productive infections only in the stratified epithelium of the skin or mucous membranes. While the majority of the nearly 200 known types of HPV cause no symptoms in most people, some types can cause warts (verrucae), while others can – in a minority of cases – lead to cancers of the cervix, vulva, vagina, and anus in women or cancers of the anus and penis in men.[1] Most people who become infected with HPV do not know they have it.[1]

Anonymous said...

The post above mine is pure comedy gold!

Anonymous said...

hee hee hee