Wednesday, March 17

The curse of St. Pat!

I was lucky enough to inherit my beautiful head of red hair from my grandfather, a hardworking Irish immigrant. He always used to say that I had, "a merry bit of Ireland" in my eyes. He passed away when I was very young, but I never forgot about him. And I was delighted when I discovered that my first child, Darla, was born with his same smile!

As y'all know, it was my mom who took care of Darla for the first few months of her life. Mother was terribly upset when I swooped in later and took Darla away with me to live. She told me that it wasn't fair to either of them, after letting her get attached. I told her, "Too bad, bitch! It's MY baby!". It was pretty hardcore.

Like all young mothers, I loved my baby as much as I loved to party! So naturally I was pissed when St. Patrick's Day rolled around and I couldn't find a babysitter (I wouldn't give Mother the satisfaction!). Rather than be stuck at home I just decided to take Darla out on the town with me. She wasn't looking very festive as a brunette, so I dyed her hair orange and bought her a green-lettered "Party Till You Puke!" onesie.

It actually worked out great because drunk people love babies! Folks were buying me drinks and we were dancing and having a great time. As the night wore on I had bar hopped until there weren't any more bars to hop to. Little Darla was passed out on my shoulder like an angel. As I strolled back to my apartment I heard some janky ho calling me from a nearby stoop. She coughed and asked me if I wanted to huff some green paint! I'd never tried that before, so I did.

Of course being a lightweight at the time, I couldn't handle my fumes! I got dizzy as shit and could barely stop myself from getting sick. I stumbled for a block or two, but couldn't go any further. I laid Darla down on the trunk of a parked car and sat down on the curb so I could put my head between my knees. As the nausea subsided a bit I heard a car door slam shut.

As I opened my eyes I noticed that the parked car was driving off with Darla on it! Thank god there was a red light at the next intersection. I managed to grab her just before she rolled off! The driver noticed something was up and got out of the car. I panicked. All I could think to do was to grab a hunk of loose asphalt from the gutter and throw it at his head! I heard him scream out as I hurried back up the one-way street.

As if that weren't enough, I ended up getting stuck in the apartment with my baby for several days because the police told the newspaper and local TV stations that they were looking for a crazed woman with green paint on her mouth carrying an orange baby. Take it from me kids and don't mess around with spray paint. That crap does not want to wash off!

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17 comments:

Steve said...

Sounds like a great St. Pattys day - make sure you keep it up this year!

Anonymous said...

Trust me, i got my fill of red paint at Christmas time a few years back. Let this be a warning to all you whipper-snappers out there--drankin and huffin don't MIX!

I'll admit though, Darla's outfit just sounds darlin, darlin!

Anonymous said...

Girl I love all your stories.. This one had me crying. Here I am sitting at work making all kind of noises while tryig to hold in my laughter.. You are a great person.. No one has lived life like you.. I wish i had as much fun as you had or are having. You are a great mother too.. God i would love to go bar hoping with you and all the rounds would be on me.... Take care and be safe

Anonymous said...

I reely wanna thank u for your advice. Her I thought I was gonna have to skip St Pattys day for the first time to stay at home with my 9 month old, pretty sure he come from one of the 4 guys that did me last Pattys day in the john at McGurks, but now we are all geared up to party. I used some of that orange face paint on his hair so it should wash out pretty good. I found the cutest lil belly sling in kelly green for him so I can have both hands free fer drinkin.

Question for ya. Do u think it be tacky to have the sling in front if I'm getting it on with a guy in the john or should I swing the sling to the back? Course Ifn I take it from the rear I guess it wouldn't matter eh.

Thanks agin for all the great parentin advice. You are kinda my role model.

Hobie said...

gingers have no soul. NO SOUL!

SkaryMoviez said...

I think it's super sweet that you included your daughter in the St. Patty's day festivities. You're a great mother, Jocelyn!

Tack-hammer Slim said...

Jocelyn, your heartfelt and emotional story of holiday bonding with your baby almost brought a tear to my eye. The image of you running after your child proves to me that there is no love like a mothers love. Perhaps the only exception would be the love between a crack whore and her baggie of huffin' paint.

Corey said...

Jocelyn, you always give sound advice! I especially like how you try to warn us against your past mistakes like huffing spray paint (I think glue would probably be better for a first timer)! In fact, do you ever think about dedicating one of your posts to give advice to your readers? I know I have a couple of issues going on that I would love to have your opinion on (like how to slap a skank bitch who back talks you in an academic setting without going to jail)!

Anonymous said...

Great idea! When I go to the 500 in May I'm going to paint my kid like a checkered flag! Girls love kids, so I'm sure ill get a lot of titties flashed my way.
You're the best and always have awesome ideas!

Phil Usher said...

The family that parties together, stays together. It's great that you chose to bring your little girl along for the St. Patrick's Day festivities. How are kids going to enjoy an enriched life and learn the ways of the world if they are cooped up at home with some creepy babysitter?

Cheers.

Anonymous said...

Paint is much better than the glue, just check the National Crime Lab Stats. If I may offer a Health tip - Crisco, thats right Crisco - gently smear that on your face prior to inhaling anything, I am suprised they don't offer this product in an easy to carry package. As an added bonus your skin may feel real smooth after that.

Anonymous said...

You dyed your baby orange?! You must be freakin crazy! People will think he has jaundice. Next time, paint him in rubber cement and dip him in orange glitter.

Anonymous said...

I now can understand what exactly is wrong with america today. You. Thankfully I live in a more educated area of the country where rednecks and white trash are not as prevalent. If you want to talk about why you are a waste of space feel free to provide me a person email or phone number I can contact you at because reading this shit is simply revolting. How any man can tolerate you is simply amazing, not to mention that whoever allowed you to have kids is simply retarded, where the hell is child services?

SkaryMoviez said...

Jocelyn, pay no attention to the haters here! They're just hella jealous of your parenting skills.

Anonymous said...

If I ever get myself knocked up I hope I'm half a good a mother as you!

Anonymous said...

Go die.

Just go die already you waste of space.

Try take out as many of your offspring and siblings as possible on your way.

sgracemalone said...

God, I love you.