Thursday, March 25

Home buyers remorse!

When my ex-husband Kevin and I bought our first house we were so excited. But then Kevin got called up for active duty, leaving me alone in a new home with our daughter Darla, who was only 5 at the time. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea, but we didn't have a choice. Unfortunately my instincts were right! That hundred-year-old dump was haunted as shit!

I'd originally set up the master bedroom in the back of the house, but there was something really wrong with that space. At night I'd have trouble sleeping because I was hearing deep whispering voices accompanied by a chill breeze, and a strange smell like a burnt up wig. Sometimes I'd be woken up from what felt like a cold hard slap across my tits.

My daughter Darla slept more deeply than I did, so I made her move in there. On the very first night she came into my room at around 3 a.m. crying about nightmares and asking to sleep in my bed. I said, "No ma'am!". I sent her right back in and locked the door from the outside. Sorry, but I didn't need her "bringing something back" while I was trying to get my rest!

After about a week I noticed that she was developing strange fears, like fear of the dark, and mirrors, and teeth, and her bedroom. I had to figure out something before things got any worse. I went out and bought a Ouija board. I kept asking questions and hurling insults, but as soon as the little oracle started to move around in response I would toss it off the board so the spirits wouldn't get a chance to speak. Then I just burned the board.

Darla kept a complaining about hearing voices and getting shoved around, so I went online to look for answers. I discovered a method that sounded just crazy enough to work. I called in a favor from a friend at the morgue who scored me a jug full of blood that he'd drained from a dead whore. I baptized my daughter in that room with the blood, surrounded by decorative black candles. I couldn't believe it, but it worked! Things were calm for several nights in a row! I immediately put the house on the market, and it was sold within a week to another unsuspecting young couple.

What's really weird is how I forgot all about this experience until just the other day. I was browsing through Target when a frail, elderly woman came around the corner of an aisle and gazed with worry into my eyes. The she leaned forward a bit, grabbed my wrist, and dry-heaved. She looked up, pointed at me with her other hand and said, "I know what you did in that house! You've cursed your daughter for all her life!".

After the initial shock I yelled, "Fuck that!!".

"Your horrible deed that night led to her miscarriage!", she scolded. I didn't know what else to say, so I just yanked my arm loose and hurried back up the aisle. She hollered after me, "She'll never be free! And that family you sold the house to? They're all dead!". I could not believe she had the nerve to say that. What a crazy old bitch!

_

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you find out how did they die?

Anonymous said...

back to the dead whore....was she hot?

barberella said...

Woman, I swear....You make my leftover cold pizza and stale beer taste better the next morning...your parenting tips are doing wonders for me in raising my daughter up right! That was the best thang you could do....locking Darla in that room...toughen her up a bit. It's good fer her self esteem....not everyone gets to face their demons so early....I didn't at least 'til my first stint at rehab....you keep it up, girl... :)

Barberella

http://planetbarberella.blogspot.com/

Sniveling Bastard said...

Jocelyn, your awesome story has somehow managed to combine three of my favorite things; Burnt wigs, Dead hookers, and Target stores.

Anonymous said...

How the fuck can an old hag like that say it's your fault with one miscarrage?
If it was 4 or 5 she might have a point, but 1. Fuck her.
Probably looking for a couple of hot meals and a bed for a few nights in the nut hospital. 72 hour evaluations is a good way to get a little rest, ya know?
I did get a slight chubby when you wrote it felt like a cold slap to the tits.
God your hot, mabey, just mabey one day.

Anonymous said...

That was one of the best things I have ever read - keep it up!

Anonymous said...

You should have burned the house down for the insurance money.
Don't let those goddamn poltergeists push you around Joss.
And as for old crazy ladies - offer to take her out for a drive - then push her out at the county insane asylum.

Rocker Man said...

I had a whole ghost tribe of Indians in my barn for a week once. They mainly just danced all night and used the out house. Once they asked me for whiskey, but I told them to fuck off. Once you get them drunk they never leave.

SkaryMoviez said...

Did you ever find out what the burnt wig smell came from? Poltergeist are crazy bastards! Locking your child in the room was a smart choice. She should get in tune with her 6th sense since kids experience paranormal activity more so than adults. Then she could predict the lottery numbers and shit like that.

Anonymous said...

WOW Darla shouldd have been more appreciative by gettin that master bedroom - shit, my mom would've jammed 5 more kids in that room -but we are mexican, so that explains it!

I need some alone time pondering that cold hard slap across your tits... they still firm?

Anonymous said...

You think you had it bad? When I moved into my place the thermostat was broken for about a week before I got it fixed.

cheyanne said...

Sorry to hear about youths miscarriage. Hey, you miss a few days in grade school, it's tough to recover long term. You may have your hands full pulling down some scab homework papers and tests online in your area.
Anyway - We're lookin to buy my uncles double wide (only 23 years old) what did you pay for commission with your realtor?

Anonymous said...

off your medications again. hey deary

Phil Usher said...

You need to find that old woman from Target again. Drive a stake through her heart and that should break the curse. No more miscarriages for your daughter. She will carry to term next time she gets knocked up.

Anonymous said...

you are a horrible, selfish mother and you look like a fucking retard. and barberella must be related to you.