Thursday, March 11

Little punks!

My son Brandon has always been a bit of a loner. He's not really into stuff that the other boys are into, like sports and breaking things. I've tried my best with him, but no matter what I do he keeps quietly reading books and listening to all kind of pussy music on the local "indie" radio station. Well now I've got some new concerns, mostly with this new group of friends he's been hanging out with.

Now I realize these boys are just fourth graders, but I get the feeling that they're up to no good! One of them is named Matt, and they all love to hang out at his house because it's close to the school and his mom doesn't care that they like to play outside all the time (even though I called her and told her that they're safer inside). She also lets them play Guitar Hero even though that music is full of bad messages and satanic stuff that their minds aren't ready for.

Another thing that bothers me is how they all dress like little preppies in clothes that look like they came from The Gap. To me there's just something wrong with a kid that doesn't want to dress like a schizophrenic homeless person. Brandon insists that their parents make them wear that stuff but I'm not so sure. They look a little too comfortable in those khakis.

I've also been noticing that a couple of them spike their hair up like little jerks, and sometimes wear bracelets or necklaces that are supposedly made for boys. Thankfully Brandon already knows better than to wear that kind of stuff. Hopefully before he's tempted to try anything like that he'll remember how I grounded him for a month during Summer vacation when I caught him drinking out of one of the pink tumblers from the cupboard.

But what's really weird about his little pals is how they really mind their parents, and they all get pretty good grades. That's just not normal for 9-year-olds! It's been rubbing off on Brandon too. He been even more serious lately about things like his homework and his manners. It's driving me nuts! I'm starting to suspect that one of his little asshole friends is slipping him some A.D.D. medication or something. If this crap keeps up I'm going to forbid him from playing with those boys (at least until he graduates elementary school).

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35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well I hope all these naysayers that read your blog take note of this! All these threats to call DSS on you and look at how good of a mother you are to Brandon. Without your direction he'd turn into a big bright pink pussy who would be taken advantage of. I think this blog should be mandatory reading for anyone considering raising a child.

Anonymous said...

are you fucking retarded? trick question btw, i already know you are most certainly retarded. stupid bitch.

info said...

Poor Brandon... God woman what are you DOING to that poor boy!! >:(

Crusoe said...

If you plan to continue raising your son as you are, you'd better ready yourself for the future. As soon as he realizes what a pious cretin you are, he'll betray you, he'll disavow you and he'll learn to hate you. God help you.

MamaHaas said...

fwiw- I think you should really let him play video games.

Specifically, Grand Theft Auto & UFC 2010. This way, when momma needs ride home from the bar and Phil is already passed out at home, your little man can jump a car, pick you up and fend of the pack of horn dogs that you got all riled up at Happy Hour. How else is he supposed to learn life skills?

Anonymous said...

Your son has nothing wrong with him, hes trying to do good in school, and dressing nice isn't bad either. Your OPINION is shit and frankly I dont think those kids, or your son give a shit about what your preference is in clothes. Let your son read his books and listen to his indie music. I am shocked to hear you say "Satanic" there is still people who believe in that? Listen women, your either crazy or just still back in the old ages, you need to get updated because there is no Satan. Your son is having fun while doing good in school, I see nothing wrong with that, and I dont think any average person with an average IQ could raise a child better then you. Hes going to hate you soon and hes going to fight you everyday. I hope he finds someone to talk to... because your gonna turn the poor kid into going crazy.

Anonymous said...

Keep up the great work! If only more mothers thought the way you did! = )

Anonymous said...

Your son is turning into metrosexual

Got that shit out before it's too late!

MattOnFire said...

I don't know who this "Matt" kid is, but I know a guy who solves problems. Problems like little turds named Matt. Let's see him put on a pair of Gap khakis over his leg casts. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

fuck you you stupid fuck

Anonymous said...

That Phil is a lucky man. And damn those kids. Khaki's, that's just asking for an ass whooping...

Anonymous said...

Ok, Brandon is only 9 but I think someone's gaydar should be going off like crazy.
You better get some more testosterone into that kid - stat!

Anonymous said...

You're the perfect example why brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jocelyn, I just wanted to say that you're a wonderful person, and I think you're a great mother. I know that if my mom hadn't made me stop listening to that "pussy" nirvana grunge and stop wearing those "preppy" clothes I would have turned out much different than I am today. I have no self-esteem issues, and I ...

Oh it'll have to wait. Mom's calling from upstairs.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what cracks me up more: reading your brilliant posts or the funny comments by those people who dont understand this kind of humor.

I guess I like both :)

Thanks for a few more good and well needed giggles !

Susan

Anonymous said...

hey Jocelyn i was worried about you. There was to much time since your last blog. I was on my way to richmond to check the jails... don't ever do that again

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU FOR SAVING AMERICA. GOD BLESS YOU. YOU ARE A SAINT AMIDST BLASPHEMERS

Anonymous said...

No good can come from reading books and getting good grades. All you end up with is a bunch of college loans and a kid working at Starbucks. Sounds like his friends are turning into little Eichmans. A little too Stepford like for me.

This is the computer age. Kids need to develop their skills with computer games. If you feel interaction with others is really necessary then get them playing online but this outdoor interaction is a dead end. Considering how quickly we are destroying the environment according to Al Gore, kids need to be conditioned to lead an indoor online life. I really think you are on track with your parenting and applaud you for your foresight.

Anonymous said...

wow, you're a moronic parent who doesn't deserve to have a kid. I feel sorry for Brandon.

Anonymous said...

you are nuts!!!! Theres nothing wrong with your son or the other kid. Damn, let your kid out to get some sun on his body and let him get his hands dirty. Whats wrong with video games?? Youre gonna keep the kid locked up and he's gonna beat the record for the world's largest man. Lay off the kids.

will said...

you are one ugly cunt

Anonymous said...

Keep encouraging him to persue the contact sports, football, hockey, etc. where he can learn some real man skills but in a controlled environment. It may be a year or so early but you might want to help him find some porn on the interent, it worked for my son. He barely spends any time on homework but goes through 2 boxes of kleenex a week. Hopefully the testosterone will kick in soon.

As to these whack job commenters that want you to permit or even encourage outside play, just ignore them. Have none of these morons ever heard of skin cancer, malaria, venomous snakes, dog attacks, tick fever, bird flu, acid rain and falling satellites? Keep him inside where it is safe. God didn't teach man to build houses and then intend for them to let their children run around outside.

hamb said...

Wow. You shouldn't breed.

Before we begin, no I'm not a parent, but this is a terrifying read for anyone who thinks cognitively.

You need to get the fuck away from the television or your hick friends, and understand a few things about parenting and school.

By the sounds of what goes through your head, you are fast-tracking Brandon to grow up to be another fucking idiot - such as yourself.

Kids are a direct result of the parenting they receive. It worries me you think you need to protect your son from satanic things; when you're worried about Brandon becoming a pussy, how about you stop parenting like one. Do you have any idea what kids these days know?

You're so set on him being cool during elementary, where you just need to fuck off. Once grade school ends, nothing fucking matters. He'll be better for the books he's read and being intellectually smart - YOUR job as a parent is to guide him to ensure he's not doing his own actions wrong.

It's a common misconception people will make, such as yourself, that the second you have a kid you're intelligent. Unfortunately you're a lost cause, and I hope your son doesn't continue your 'legacy'.

Anonymous said...

These posts keep getting better...don't know whether the posts or the misguided comments are funnier. You sure know how to yank some chains! I just happened to stumble across this several months ago and I've read everything...keep it up, I'm hooked!

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, go suck a big fat dick you dumb ugly bitch!!

Anonymous said...

Make him get a tattoo. Maybe some of those cool looking tear drops under one of his eyes? Or those cattle brand things that the NFL dudes have are pretty cool. I would also though out all of his books and let him only have nudie mags. Get arid of those clothes too. Just give him ripped up bluejeans and t shirts. Maybe a shower limit of once a week? Keep up the good work J. This world already has enough fairies and pansy asses. DON'T LET YOUR SON BECOME ONE!! May God bless you.

Lou said...

this blog always brings out the best and most creative uses of the word cunt I have ever seen. Just fantastic. Anyway Brandon sounds like he needs a trip to the Paper Moon ASAP

Anonymous said...

Yo Lady,
Grounding a kid for a month over summer vacation for drinking out of a pink cup is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. Pink also stands for breast cancer awareness, perhaps young Brandon was showing his support? Pink also stands for alot of things, you stupid motherfucker. Maybe he just picked the first one he saw, maybe your slob ass didn't clean enough cups for him...You are a heinuous bitch and i hope your son grows up to be gay as hell and fuck a bunch of guys in front of your face.

Anonymous said...

Breast cancer awareness? We all know get the dirties.. Lose a boob..
Brandon needs the shit kicked out of him a time or two to toughen his little flowery ass up! If I was you I would get one of his female cousins and show him what a real man should be doing!
Tough love and a good leather belt solves most of these problems!

Anonymous said...

Your an absolute NOB head and I hope your son tries new things and doesn't listen to narrow minded, self centered cunt like you!

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous" says:

"Pink also stands for alot of things, you stupid motherfucker."

Well, I think that just drives the point home. Would you really want your little man out there passing out breast cancer awareness pamphlets, wearing pink ribbons? It starts with pink tumblers, next it's ribbons, and before you know it, he'll be strutting in front of the mirror in your lace panties and good red pumps. Gotta nip that shit in the bud!

fapguy said...

I have some bad news, your son is gay.

Anonymous said...

You are effen awesome! And i think you're doing your son a huge favor! You do not want the boy to grow up to be a pussy like Phil!

Claire said...

Fuckin RIGHT, Jocelyn. Brandon needs to learn how to be a MAN. Those kids are terrible influences, and I completely blame the parents. Keep fighting the good fight.

Anonymous said...

Love how you throw out your line and get so many bites from these mindless fish-heads. Beautiful.