Monday, April 12

Backstage bound!

I was brought up to appreciate a good rock concert. I had a wild older cousin named Lazarus who used to take me to all kinds of shows before he died. He said it was important for my education. We'd go to see the heaviest bands, and scam drugs in the shadiest parking lots. I was young and timid at my first few shows. Then I got the hang of it! Now I thrash out with my fuckin' rash out, and it's just about the best release I've ever known!

I decided it was time to teach my daughter the ways, so I treated us to a recent concert at one of Richmond's hottest venues. It was some sort of indie rock band, which sounds really lame, but at least it's rock. Y'all remember rock? It was that shit we used to get pregnant to before rap showed up and took over as the official soundtrack of teenage sex and not pulling out like a gentleman. But I digress.

Darla wasn't sure how to dress because she didn't know the band either, but I knew what to do. When it comes to concerts you can never go wrong with sleazy high heels and slutty ripped jeans, fishnet accents, and no bra. We got to the show about the time the openers were done, so there was a 20 minute window to meet the band early. I tried to convince Darla to help me blow these two bouncers at the side entrance to get us backstage, but she helpfully pointed out that they were actually just a couple of overweight dudes waiting for a bus.

After getting our tickets at will call, having our purses checked, and swallowing a sleeve of crushed amphetamines in the bathroom, we were just in time to see the headliners. The view from the back was boring, so it was time to enlighten my daughter on another fine point of rock concert theory: Reaching the front row at all costs.

Once you weave through the first few layers of people who seem to need their own personal space, you start to find yourself in a rather impermeable concentration of people. Dudes will widen their stance or stiffen up to block you out if you're all "'scuse me...'scuse me", so forget that noise. Don't say a word until you're ready to make your move. Then punch whichever elbow is attached to their drink hand, and when they turn to look you just slide around the other side of 'em.

At around the fourth row we came upon a group of real hard asses. These kids didn't have drinks or anything, but they weren't about to move for anyone. The show started so we had to lay low for a bit. I held up my cell phone and filmed the performance of the first two songs for my blog, but I won't post it because the video came out like shit. Then I really needed a cigarette, so I smoked it secretly by cupping it inside of my hand, and blowing all the smoke into the full, curly hair of the girl in front of me.

The crowd got really excited when they heard the intro to the next song, so I used the distraction to slip the air horn out from the large make-up bag in my purse. Then I started blaring it into my armpit where no body could see each time the singer sang the chorus. As the bouncers moved in from the front I slipped the horn into the tote-style purse that the girl in front of me was carrying, and I began pointing at her from behind. She and her friend were carried off, and me and Darla were in the third row! And with the use of proper timing and clumsy dancing we quickly made it up to the front!

What's so important about being in the front row, you ask? Well you never know, you might end up like Courtney Cox or something! In fact, Darla got invited back stage herself, and she brought me along because I was her ride! Unfortunately I had to sit outside the lounge on a folding chair while listening to three roadies gangbang my daughter in the next room. It was silly if you ask me! Don't they know about the pleasures that only a freaky groupie cougar-milf can bring?!

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14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Gangbanged backstage?
Boy that takes me back

cmoursler said...

too good....next time wear a good foundation and push up bra....they'll never know you aren't jail bait.

michael said...

you are one sick bitch, but I enjoy reading your blog

Anonymous said...

It was silly if you ask me! Don't they know about the pleasures that only a freaky groupie cougar-milf can bring?
You are so wrong. You are not a MILF. Shit I am sure that there are alot of people out there would be affraid of catching a STD from just looking at your ugly ass.

Deep Thinker said...

I think Anonymous (8:24) wants you.

Anonymous said...

If it weren't for you, we wouldn't have the fine crowd of skanky bitches out there. You should teach a freakin' class.

We need more mothers like you!

Keep up the good work - take your shit to other areas that could benefit from fine hometraining!

-t

Anonymous said...

lol wut a fat bitch

TLW said...

Can I use this from now on?
"Now I thrash out with my fuckin' rash out."

Phil Usher said...

Now if you and your daughter can find a way to ride along on the band's tour bus, you'll hit the motherlode. The boys in the crew are just waiting for you...

Isin said...

Its about damn time someone brings the groupie thing back into effect! I so long for the days of puffed up hair spray hair and ripped, tight rolled jeans. And the good ol blow jobs in the back seat while Winger is rocking it out on the radio. How I use to dream of being a big rocker back in the day, fucking the chicks on the front row. Wearing a pound if make up and just looking to fuck. Boy times have changed! Now its like you gotta dress like a gay guy and wear 100 dollar T-shirt just to get a hand job at some stuck up sports bar.
Thank you love for bring it back and helping teach the next generation what rocking it out is all about!

Anonymous said...

This is probably the craziest thing I've ever heard of a parent ever doing. Maybe I should watch Tyra and Maury more often just to outdo this post.

But fortunately, I have a brain. It was still entertaining nonetheless.

Meade Skelton Haufe said...

Rock music is boring. You should go to a Country and Western show. They can really party down !

Meade Skelton Haufe said...

Check out my duet with Patsy! I would love to do a show with her some time! (corpse permitting)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u93qvGnQSkQ

Anonymous said...

"Then I really needed a cigarette, so I smoked it secretly by cupping it inside of my hand, and blowing all the smoke into the full, curly hair of the girl in front of me."
Almost pissed myself laughing at this.