I had quite a harrowing experience this last weekend y'all! I was driving home after some dancing and drinking with a friend up in Maryland. She invited me to crash at her place just outside of D.C., but I always prefer to wake up in my own bed. As I was cruising down the highway through Northern Virginia at about 1:30 in the morning I started to get hungry! So I pulled off a random highway exit, and of course nothing was open. As I tried to find my way back to the highway, and while checking my replies on Twitter , I suddenly noticed that I was being pulled over by a damn cop!
Normally in this situation I'd look for an out, like not stopping the car until I passed over into the next county, but there was no such opportunity here. The best I could do was spray a bunch of fake Drakkar Noir air freshener to cover up the smell of weed and all the beer I'd spilled on my crotch at the bar. I finally came to a stop at a particularly unsafe spot in the road.
I quickly applied some horny-looking lip gloss. The cop appeared next to the car and started talking before I could even get my window rolled down. I couldn't peg this guy at first glance, because he wasn't young enough to be a prick, but also not old or ugly enough to accept a traditional booty bribe. He asked me to please turn down the volume of my Ke$ha album, and stop trying to light the wrong end of my cigarette. That's when I knew I was dealing with a total jerkface.
At his request I slowly and deliberately retrieved my license and registration from my purse (and I mean SLOWLY, cause I wasn't trying to get my taze on!). But I did let my emotions get the better of me, because as I was collecting these items I was calling him names and asking if he didn't have anything better to do, and also informing him that I didn't do nothing.
The officer took my stuff back to his car for what seemed like a really long time. Thankfully I have a clean record because I never get caught for anything. To keep it that way I had to take inventory of my situation. I had a handful of crushed Adderall in an envelope in the middle console, and I certainly didn't want to get caught with that, so I snorted it all up lickedy-split. Then I remembered the bottle of Jack Daniels under my seat.
Before he got a chance to finish what he was doing in his car I jumped out of my car's driver side door and stood there glaring. The loudspeaker came on, "Miss, get back in your vehicle!". I quickly unscrewed the cap from the booze and chugged about half of it. Now he'd never be able to prove that I'd been drunk before he pulled me over! Then I set the bottle on the ground, leaned up against a my car, and cross my arms like I was hot shit.
The officer slowly stepped out of his car and stalked over with a scary look in his eye and the smile of a man possessed. That's when his walkie-talkie went off with some emergency "Attention all units!" bullshit. He listened for a second more, then cut the volume down. "Looks like it's your lucky night, you fucking low-life. Try not to kill anybody, and don't you ever let me catch you around here again!". He threw my license and registration at my feet and walked briskly back to his car. Then he cut his sirens on and took off.
I drove home feeling pretty good about myself. My clean record stands, and I discovered that I had a nice fat joint in my cigarette pack to smoke on the ride home. You know how it is with weed and booze sometimes! I was so damn tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. The next thing I was started awake while driving 40mph down the wrong side of a road with both left tires in a drainage ditch! I was able to pull back onto the road, but when I got home all the grass and shit from the edge of the ditch was stuck up under my muffler and catalytic converter, and some of it was on fire! I threw a bunch of rocks and sand from our driveway at it until the fire went out. You know, that cop wasn't kidding. It really was my lucky night!