Wednesday, May 12

The parent trip!

Mother's Day this year was a bit of an eye opener for me! My oldest left with her friend the night before and didn't even bother calling or coming home until Monday. Little Jailen made me a card out of construction paper that said, "YOR A MEEN MOMMY". And 9-year-old Brandon bought me a talking plastic pig that's supposed to help me with my diet by oinking insults whenever someone opens the fridge.

What I've realized is that my kids don't necessarily like me. But I happen to think that this is the way it ought to be. I'm not here to be their friend! I'm here to toughen them up, and that's exactly what I do. I make them watch old episodes of OZ. Later, when they refuse to behave, I threaten to call the police to come arrest them. I tell them about how they'll be taken to jail where there's nothing to eat but bread and water and ass.

It's important for kids to understand that they are second class citizens in the household. When dinner is ready you should be sure that mommy gets her plate first, then daddy. Then, maybe, the kids. Sooner or later your kids will learn that beggars can't be choosers, so they can either eat mommy's pizza crusts or go hungry! It may sound harsh to some of you, but I can assure you that my kids are grateful for everything I give them!

Parents today are always spoiling their kids, then regretting it later. I'm so sick of seeing ugly little kids out there bossing their parents around and eating McDonald's all the time and wearing store-bought shoes. Kids should be treated like orphans, wearing burlap clothes, making their own shoes, and occasionally being rewarded with a dinged-up apple as a treat.

I'm not what you'd call an overbearing parent. I've always taken a laissez-faire approach to child rearing. If their housekeeping chores are done, and they've checked their own homework then sure, they can do whatever the hell they want as long as it doesn't annoy me. But as soon as I start getting letters from the school it's goodbye privileges and hello Step dad Phil staying home and bossing them around while I'm out drinking!

My kids know that I'm kicking them out when they turn 18. That's why it's only fair that I help prepare them early for a long life of loneliness and neglect. The best way to learn self-reliance is by yourself. In these sparse conditions that I have provided for them, they are learning independence and survival skills that will serve them all their lives! Soon enough, when they're out there in the world making their own money, they can eat all the cereal and use all the paper towels that their hearts desire!

22 comments:

Connie said...

Thats right girl- children should be seen and not heard.

The sound of the back of my hand up side they face don't count.

Isin said...

Damn woman, about damn time you posted! Its been like 2 weeks.

Anyways I'm glad to hear about the eat of ass and pizza crust. Sometimes lifes a bitch and its best they learn now. Hell they'll be in jail soon anyways. You're a great mom for teaching them their survival skills now. We all know if you aint the ass then you're the eater.

Keep up the good fight and let puff off some good bud and some Jack Daniels take your sorrows away.

*B.T.Z.*

Anonymous said...

This story remind me of a quote.... now what was it?......Oh yea..."Please, sir, I want some more."

Anonymous said...

store bought shoes!!!!! Excellent!

Anonymous said...

Fucking bitch, you're a horrible mother.

Anonymous said...

Will u b my mommy?

Another mom blogger said...

I upvoted you!

I love your blog, where has it been all my life?
I am a mom and I'd love to buy you a drink or two.
(Not in a gay way because I already know what can happen, tampons and crap)

Cheers Jocelyn, hope you win Mother of the Year :)

Anonymous said...

I hope someone calls the authorities and has you straightened out in the parenting department. The only person here who should be treated like a "second class citizen" is you. I don't blame your kids one bit for behaving that way. If I were one of them I'd report you.

Proud Daddy said...

It's good to see you teaching your kids about self-reliance. I used to have a problem with my 2 teenagers begging me to buy them the latest Abercrombie skirt or the newest American Eagle cargo pants. I finally got tired of explaining how hard I had to work to afford those things and to punish them, I drove them 10 miles out of town and told them to think things over while they walked home. Imagine my surprise when they showed up the next morning with over 400 dollars in cash. They claimed they stopped at the truck stop on the way back into town and after making friends with some out-of-town truckers, they "earned" it in the parking lot! My daughter was even jealous that my son made $60 more than she did, and vowed to work harder next time. So anyway, don't give up hope. You CAN teach kids responsibility!

Lisa L. said...

Yes! My parents used to drive me to the juvenile detention center whenever they needed to prove a point, and threaten to take me inside and turn me over into police custody. My mom's favorite phrase (beisdes "I wish you'd been born dead" was "I will put you UNDER the jail!" I guess there's like a subterranean jail for really hardened criminal children?

Anyway, it paid off. Once I was of age I lit out as fast as I could and there hasn't been any turning back. I'm proud of it. Especially now that my folks are old and sick. Good luck trying to get me interested in elder care!

Anonymous said...

Disgusting.

Anonymous said...

As always, I applaud your parenting skills and use many of the same techniques. I don't agree with you on the shoes issue though. I felt is was more practical to teach them to steal their classmates shoes if they wanted something nice. I thought it was funny that one of the posters said your kids should report you. My oldest started complaining about always having to eat dog food towards the end of the month. Sure things get tight when waiting for my check from the government but she should be grateful to get anything at all. Anyway, she threatened to report me to family services. I had a nice little chat with her and explained how they would put her in a foster home with a big sweaty foster daddy who would be making nightly visits to her room. Now she gobbles down that Mighty Dog likes its filet mignon.

Anonymous said...

Shit! Your kid sounds like a dumbass. Hell yeah, you're raising 'em right!

Anonymous said...

intreuging iam an eighteen year old "kid" as u so skillfully put it its a shame though as my parents in fact were loving and nurturing, now i feel that im am soft and week and useless to the world. Well ecxept that i have my own flat in the west end of glasgow (thats the capital of scotland for im sure u do not own a atlas nor a enough nuerons to know this)i have enough money and im going to UNIVERSITY (noun,plural-ties.an institution of learning of the highest level). Sorry yet again it is important that you know what a university is for you are damn well never get too see the inside of one. May your children do weel in life and may they forget your abuse and terrible parenting skills when they dance on your grave with "store bought shoes"
yours sincerly and truthfully
a victim of good parenting and basic human kindness
may you fall down the stairs into a vat of HCl (thats acid by the way)

1baddoggy said...

For someone attending "an institution of learning of the highest level", your grammar skills are quite terrible chap! If you read through Jocelyn's archive, I believe you'll find her grammar skills to be far superior to yours. I'd wager to guess Phil could probably beat you down in a spelling bee!

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous of May 13, 2010 9:48 AM" is sadly typical of what passes as the present product of higher education. They are, however, skilled at playing video games.

Cheer up, these talentless boobs will be paying for our "government benefits" soon enough.

Phil Mikok said...

"intreuging" What university do you go to? Is there a chicken wing restaurant next door in the strip mall? Jocelyn may or may not own an atlas, but you either don’t own a dictionary or some form of electronic spell checker.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous May 13, 2010 9:48 AM" is from Scotland, but doesn't even know which city is actually the capital?

Sounds like someone poured a little too much IRN-BRU in their formula when they were growing up to be a lard, nutrition is always wasted on the youth!

Anonymous said...

I guess anyone can move to Scotland and attend Glasgow Community College. With that vocabulary you must be a Rangers F.C. supporter.

Jason said...

You didn't mention corporal punishment in your post at all. For shame.

Hal9000 said...

Hahaha, you're brilliant and hilarious, Jocelyn. I love you to bits. ;o)

pat said...

I had no idea you had a blog!(It's me @Poulsie,mother to too many,from Twitter.)

Super blog.Super funny.Super true.

Thanks again for making me pee myself laughing-something which comes easier after 4 vaginal deliveries.(Excuse my French.)

See you on the Twit-side!