Mother's Day this year was a bit of an eye opener for me! My oldest left with her friend the night before and didn't even bother calling or coming home until Monday. Little Jailen made me a card out of construction paper that said, "YOR A MEEN MOMMY". And 9-year-old Brandon bought me a talking plastic pig that's supposed to help me with my diet by oinking insults whenever someone opens the fridge.
What I've realized is that my kids don't necessarily like me. But I happen to think that this is the way it ought to be. I'm not here to be their friend! I'm here to toughen them up, and that's exactly what I do. I make them watch old episodes of OZ. Later, when they refuse to behave, I threaten to call the police to come arrest them. I tell them about how they'll be taken to jail where there's nothing to eat but bread and water and ass.
It's important for kids to understand that they are second class citizens in the household. When dinner is ready you should be sure that mommy gets her plate first, then daddy. Then, maybe, the kids. Sooner or later your kids will learn that beggars can't be choosers, so they can either eat mommy's pizza crusts or go hungry! It may sound harsh to some of you, but I can assure you that my kids are grateful for everything I give them!
Parents today are always spoiling their kids, then regretting it later. I'm so sick of seeing ugly little kids out there bossing their parents around and eating McDonald's all the time and wearing store-bought shoes. Kids should be treated like orphans, wearing burlap clothes, making their own shoes, and occasionally being rewarded with a dinged-up apple as a treat.
I'm not what you'd call an overbearing parent. I've always taken a laissez-faire approach to child rearing. If their housekeeping chores are done, and they've checked their own homework then sure, they can do whatever the hell they want as long as it doesn't annoy me. But as soon as I start getting letters from the school it's goodbye privileges and hello Step dad Phil staying home and bossing them around while I'm out drinking!
My kids know that I'm kicking them out when they turn 18. That's why it's only fair that I help prepare them early for a long life of loneliness and neglect. The best way to learn self-reliance is by yourself. In these sparse conditions that I have provided for them, they are learning independence and survival skills that will serve them all their lives! Soon enough, when they're out there in the world making their own money, they can eat all the cereal and use all the paper towels that their hearts desire!