Friday, December 3

Bitch, I run it!

As many of you already know, I'm the one who "wears the pants" in our household. I know some of you think that a man should have the final say, (as if that's some kind of privilege). Take it from me: being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be! It's a lot of work, keeping the family in a calm, submissive state. Luckily I'm an office manager by day, so I have plenty of experience when it comes to micromanaging a bunch of dimwits!

My kids already know who the boss is in this house. I removed all doubt one fine day when I pulled the car over and bested Phil in a long distance peeing contest. It's amazing, the things you can settle along the railing of a highway overpass! My kids were impressed too! They no longer put up a protest when I ask them to scratch my back, which is covered in long, rubbery skin tags.

I make all of the house rules. Just last week, after falling asleep on the couch, I awoke to find an old animal cracker stuck to my thigh. Guess what? Kids are no longer allowed on the couch! And when my teenage daughter Darla asked me to offer a "vegetarian meal option" at dinner time, I said, "My pleasure, you fancy bitch! You now have the option of picking the meat off your dinner while you frown!".

You need to practice tough love if you want to raise your kids up right. Like when Brandon asked me to buy him some roller blades, I said "no". Then I gave his cousin $10 to punch him in the shoulder until he cried. Brandon protested by acting the fool and refusing his bedtime. He finally agreed to settle down when I threatened to lock him in the shed overnight with the hornets.

Family members need boundaries, so I've also established a few arbitrary rules just to show that I'm in control. For example, Phil likes to pee standing up, so I make him sit. My son Brandon prefers to do it sitting, so I make him stand. Don't you think I get sick of hovering by the bathroom door, figuring out who is doing what? Sure, I do..but that's the cost of martyrdom. You're not a strong mother unless you sacrifice of yourself to maintain a happy home!

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14 comments:

John Koralewski said...

Thank you for posting some of the funniest shit in the blogosphere! I like your tweets too. Congrats on the million hits!

MamaHaas said...

People don't appreciate all the hard work mothers do. Too many of us have gone 'soft' and are raising a generation of sissy boys.

Thanks you for being such a wonderful inspiration!

sevenvoices said...

IANAL but I'm pretty sure you just signed your own arrest warrant by confessing to child abuse.

Anonymous said...

Either your pretty funny with a dark sense of humor, or you're the most vile person alive and deserve whatever 4Chan decideds for you.

Anonymous said...

Joss
You know, they tell you that they hate you now...
but they'll appreciate all the sacrifices you make for them when they're older.
One day they'll realise they've turned out just like their mother!

Anonymous said...

You are just awesome Jocelyn,This is not child abuse there is a difference between child abuse and rule.If im having a bad day I just go on to your blog and I just crack up.
Love you

Anonymous said...

you have some fucking serious mental issues! you are probably one of the worst mothers ever! one step away from beating the shit out of your kids. you probably already do. your slob self fell asleep probably gorging yourself on animal crackers and what not blame it on the kids and make them sit on the floor like some fucking animal? bitch you got shit twisted.you are onecrazy controlling bitch. but hey karma is a bitch. wait till your ass is old and dying and youll be put in a home or youll die in the streets like you deserve.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you're a fucking cunt, woman. I feel sorry for whatever man put his dick inside you and had offspring.

people like yourself shouldn't breed.

Anonymous said...

Dang! I'm sooo behind on my blog reading and I could really have used the laughs since I've been to your site last.
Thank you for all of your hard work raising kids who will be worthy of marrying mine. They will rule the world and we can sit back on our thrones & laugh & laugh & whip the servants for slackin off:)
Ame in TN

Anonymous said...

A few comments..

You are the ugliest man I have ever seen.

i talked to your co workers and i don't think your ass is big. Its just right for someone that does donkey shows.

When you smile does your asshole close up because too much air is flowing between your snaggleteeth?

Do you like long walks on the beach?

Anonymous said...

I liked the arbitrary rules...you whoop 'em into line, lady....

Nicole said...

There is something wrong with you, dont treat your kids like shit cause you cant get no dick. it isnt their fault that you dont get what you want life is bitch lady fuckin deal with it like the rest of us do. fuckin call your daughter a bitch i hope you rot in fuckin prison would be nice to know ur suffering for the rest of your fuckin life to the day you die its also nice to know that you like to beat on kids why dont you come try it on me bitch im fuckin 17 find me hit me i dare you i lay ur fuckin ass out 6 feet under.

Anonymous said...

I found a link here from somewhere else in internet land, thank God too cuz I was outta stuff to read and the kids don't go to bed for another hour.. I almost had to actually pay attention to them. That was disturbing to me they know the rule when mommy's on Facebook you play quietly somewhere else. Important social networking is going on here! Of course now I can't remember if I made dinner today or not... No worries though I am sure there are left overs from yesterday, or the day before still sitting on the stove.

Love your blog by the way, I will be coming back you remind me of an updated modern day Erma Bombeck, keep it up!!

A. N. Ominious said...

I'm shocked that you listen at the bathroom door. I would have thought that you'd make them keep the door open and personally supervise them.