Tuesday, January 11

Cutback blues!

Our company has been doing some serious belt-tightening lately! Overtime has been eliminated, and nobody received a bonus last year. What little money we do get must be spent within the limits of a strict budget. That's why the higher-ups have put managers like myself in charge of these meager allowances. My people have nothing to worry about, because I'm damn good with money!

I've become a real chop-a-holic when it comes to waste! I got rid of all the office luxuries like our water coolers and free coffee. I've also switched us to half-ply toilet paper, and reduced our toilet tank's flushing capacity to just two cups. I even cut the cord to the ice machine because the maintenance on it is too expensive. I'm sure I'll hear some bitching about that one, but whatever. They can just buy their Big Gulps from the store like I do!

The company finally agreed to buy us some new office chairs last Fall. I took a few of my employees with me to the office supply store to get some opinions, and of course they collectively chose one of the most expensive models. I've got to admit, it's a nice chair. I got myself one for my office, but there wasn't much left over for everyone else. Luckily I was able to find these affordable "soda can" style chairs online. They combine cushiony comfort with the benefits of active sitting.



Not everyone was happy about my decision, and some even wanted to keep their old chairs, but I said, "no" because I don't want that chair budget to go to waste! I even used what was left over to buy myself a neat little mini-fridge for my office, and an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. I also picked up a lumbar support pillow, and a nifty foot rest for under my desk.

After all of the cutbacks and things I was surprised at the nice little budget they gave me to throw a holiday party for our office. It was just enough for a nice clean venue and some good catering. Why waste it? I decided not to tell anybody about the money and instead I got my car detailed and then went shopping at The Burlington Coat factory. They've got some cute stuff!

The folks in my office never knew better, so they got together on their own and organized a holiday luncheon. I brought a couple of 3-liter sodas but that's it. I've gotta say, this "luncheon" was some ratchet pot luck bullshit! I'm sorry but I don't trust food that was cooked in other people's homes.



I ended up throwing my full plate in the trash right in front of everybody and driving myself to KFC for a family style bucket with sides. Then I had my own little luncheon alone in my office!

.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hope you ate that bucket right in front of those triflin' no-account fools.

And you're right. Who knows where those little scumbags in your office have been?

Anonymous said...

Implement the "if its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down" policy. Saves tons of water.

Anonymous said...

One day you will be murdered by the angry folks with pitchforks!!!

Christine said...

I come here for my daily dose of zen. I hope you know that.

JPeaslee said...

Your coworkers don't sound like reasonable people. I mean, if they had any sense at all, they wouldn't have chosen the most expensive chairs. Obviously they would just fall asleep in them or something instead of WORKING.

Jesus. Thank God you're there to whip them into shape!

Anonymous said...

I actually love your budget cut. Saves the office a lot of money and does wonders for your coworkers in the end.

Anonymous said...

Rather you should implement:
"If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, let it mellow."

Anonymous said...

Let it mellow, turns to jello.

Anonymous said...

We're doing the same things in our office. Get someone to remove every other ceiling light and you'll save on electricity, too!

Why would your workers want the expensive chairs? They do know you're trying to save money, right?

BK said...

you are an important voice in this city. Thank you.

Joel said...

Nice of you to spring for the 3-Liters. Only the best brands come in the 3's!

Anonymous said...

Hello from the Detroit area. My first visit to this site and I can't stop reading all your posts. You are a woman after my own heart. Too bad I'm married or I'd have to come down and snatch you up. Then again, being married never did stop me the first two times! Have you ever considrered an advice column? Maybe a parenting focus. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

It's me from Detroit area again. My parole officer reminded me today that I shouldn't use the term "snatch you up". Please remove that line when you get a chance.

Anonymous said...

goddamn if I worked for you id barf

Julia said...

You know you should ask for a budget increas for lap desks...really those big desks waste a lot of space and you can even let them know you are SAVING them money because now you can get a smaller office space...say a broom closet. You will no doubt be employee of the month!

Your welcome... friendship is all the thanks I need.

Anonymous said...

You must have few friends, try treating people more nicely.

Anonymous said...

"What little money we do get must be spent within the limits of a strict budget. That's why the higher-ups have put managers like myself in charge of these meager allowances. My people have nothing to worry about, because I'm damn good with money!"


Are you serious? You're not good with money, you stole it...bitch

Anonymous said...

I've only just seen a few of your blogs, and I am very disappointed: uneducated woman who feels she can do anything to which she applies her mind, but has still accomplished nothing.

And here you are posting on the internet to show the world how Bad Ass you are in not taking any shit from anyone. You are one of the ones who makes the internet a joke. I and many others often look for over-confident losers (and don't have to look very far - the internet is rife with them) who are afraid of ever being seen as weak or unable of self-sustainment. Once your useless kids are old enough to realize they don't have to put up with your bullshit (if they live that long) they will put you in the cheapest nursing home they can find.. You don't have to tolerate what bothers you; isn't that your philosophy?

It really is a shame to have to live with people such as you.. but it is our curse. I guess it's our test, learning to do well in life, despite the smog of bad examples all around us.

Please change your ways. You can be a much better person: tolerant, patient, polite, learned, etc. It really isn't necessary to always be rough around the edges! Save it for special occasions!

Anonymous said...

You are a hideous, toothless, old hag.

I won't be visiting again to read any comments you post in response, so let me state that once more to ensure understanding.

You, Joycelyn, are a TOOTHLESS. OLD. HAG. Oh whoops, I forgot the "hideous" part. And let's just throw in "unfuckable" while we're at it.

Perfect.

-Dani
vetinariv@gmail.com

Pam said...

To make this buffet ready, coudn't half of this baked on potluck shit be wrinkle-erased to perfection on Picnik?

In other news, those stool beanbag, spandex, thing-a-ma-jiggys remind of the kind of bullshit my guidance counsler used to wear right before he told me I got retained.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is honestly the best I've ever read. Please make some more posts! Pleeeeeease?

Mr. Mames said...

You kick fuckin' ass. Amazing writing, great sense of humor.

Haters gon' hate! xoxo

Height Adjustable Desks said...

Nice of you to spring for the 3-Liters. Only the best brands come in the 3's!
Thanks for post.

Anonymous said...

Fuck off and die you stupid, hoarding, psycho bitch. Way to embezzle money from your company you dumb whore. Burn in a fire.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are really missing the point of your job, ma'am. I normally just read crap like this an move on, but sometimes you have to grab the low hanging fruit when it's that easy. Maybe some other office manager will read this and dodge some of the potholes you seem entrenched in.

For instance:
Cutting the water flow in the toilets to below 1.6 gallons is not only unsanitary and unprofessional (unless you are managing a Greyhound station)..., but two cups?! Whats the saving when people start calling in sick because you have unsanitary bathrooms? What about the plumber's cost for clearing the lines or potential litigation for failing to comply with your state's building codes? Do you really want to be known as the facility that saved $800 a year by converting your stupid *normal* toilet into an penny-saving e-coli ass spa? If the engineers designing the toilet could have executed with two cups of water, don't you think they would have? You ever wonder why they didn't? Not. rocket. science.

You cut the cord to the communal ice machine under the guise of cost cutting? How is that possible when you are re-purposing that COMMUNAL expenditure to your PRIVATE fridge? Are you keeping medical supplies or live specimens in your fridge? Is it just soda? It's just private sodas and crap food isn't it? Oh, and a wonderful sense of smugness- the cold keeps it fresh.

I can see most of your decisions have nothing to do with increasing performance and everything to do with creating a more visible gap between what you consider to be labor(them) and management(you). It sounds like somebody is a little self conscious about their station in life?
I've seen this a lot, usually in companies with a bunch of engineers and an office manager with a strong background in...catering, sometimes retail. If you make it a petty power struggle, you are going to alienate your talent at the cost of bolstering your bruised ego. Don't do it to yourself or others.

Anonymous said...

What a piece of shit.

Seriously.

OLIVEJUICE said...

I'm having a hard time deciding which is funnier. You're blog/tweets or the "h8rz" who are leaving long-winded replies that detail point for point why you "wrong." (june6-aug4) Classic. I would gladly leave my kids in a shopping cart at a dollar store parking lot to be able to share a 40 with you. XXOO